Grandma,
Wow I cant believe its been 6months and 6 days since I had to say good bye and tell you how much I love you. Id like to say I know your in a good place, and I am doing great.
But I'm not. . . .
I have moments, moments likes these. Where I break down and feel like the emptiness is going to consume me. It's little things that trigger it. Today is the first snow fall without you. I still have so many "1st: to go throw without you. Somehow every time I have to go throw one of those 1st, it only gets harder.
I keep thinking I'm going to wake up from this awful nightmare, with you holding me, rocking me back and forth, running your fingers threw my hair and whispering soothing words in my ear. But I never wake up....
I miss you so much Grandma. . . .
Monday, November 22, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
I blink once. . . twice
trying to wash away the sandy feeling
Chest rising and falling ever so steady
I lay motionless
My eyes go black as the room begins to disappear
I slowly fad into my own little coma . . . . .
A heavy confusion washes over me
I spin in each direction
Trying to make since of time
I scan my surroundings, searching for some clue as to where I am
Brilliant colors dance across the sky
Colors of night and day intertwine
as if they can't make up their mind
A sweet smell tickles my nose and demands my attention
Freezing for a moment and trying to pin point the location of such a heavenly smell
I glance down
I am standing on a feather like bed of dew covered grass
Ever so perfectly red is scattered all around
My eye focuses in on the red, and it triggers some distant memory
As the object comes in focus I inhale a sudden breath oh surprise
My chest walls begin to collapse
I can feel my rib cage slowly compressing my lungs into nonexistence
I know these flowers
Red Carnations
Not done yet :) will finish soon!!
trying to wash away the sandy feeling
Chest rising and falling ever so steady
I lay motionless
My eyes go black as the room begins to disappear
I slowly fad into my own little coma . . . . .
A heavy confusion washes over me
I spin in each direction
Trying to make since of time
I scan my surroundings, searching for some clue as to where I am
Brilliant colors dance across the sky
Colors of night and day intertwine
as if they can't make up their mind
A sweet smell tickles my nose and demands my attention
Freezing for a moment and trying to pin point the location of such a heavenly smell
I glance down
I am standing on a feather like bed of dew covered grass
Ever so perfectly red is scattered all around
My eye focuses in on the red, and it triggers some distant memory
As the object comes in focus I inhale a sudden breath oh surprise
My chest walls begin to collapse
I can feel my rib cage slowly compressing my lungs into nonexistence
I know these flowers
Red Carnations
Not done yet :) will finish soon!!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Testimony
Have you ever had a moment where your "light bulb" just won’t come on no matter what you do? For example you just get in your car and are about to take off when your best friend looks at you with a stupefied look on her face and says "Crystal, do you have your car keys?" My mind races to the last place I seen my keys, oh yeah they're hanging up. I look back stupefied, "Yes I have my keys, they're hanging up?" She looks at me a little longer as if this is all supposed to make since to me. Then about 20 seconds later it hit me that I was sitting in my driver seat with the keys still in the house! Or I can remember a time I was busy making dinner for my grandparents. Without even thinking about it I put the milk away, normal right? Well I put the milk away in the cupboard. It wasn't until I was finished with dinner that my light bulb came on and I realized that the milk actually goes in the refrigerator.
Now I'm sure we have all had these moments at some point in time. But have you ever had one of these moments last for months? It's pretty bad when you walk around thinking your light bulb is stuck or even worse broken. How can my light bulb be broken, I like to think I kind of need my light bulb! It was like this whenever my aunt would ask me about my testimony my light bulb just wouldn't come on. Some people have testimonies, just not me. She disagreed of course and kept explaining to me what a testimony was and how everyone has one. But nope, still no light bulb going off. It wasn't until October of 2010 that my light bulb came on. Yes my light bulb certainly took its time didn't it?
My aunt and granny had taken me to the Woman of Faith retreat, where we heard so many inspirational speakers. Sitting in the audience with thousands of woman who shared the same love for god as I did was an overwhelming feeling. Two speakers specifically really touched my heart and I realized their experiences were so similar to mine, and that was their testimony. If that's their testimony, isn't that sort of mine as well, only a little different?
As a little girl I lived with my parents. I love my parents so very much, but they weren't always the best parents. Most of my childhood memories of them are of abuse and drugs. They were both heavy drug users, and fought uncontrollably. I can't even count how many times I remember running and hiding under the table crying, only to think one of them was going to die, or I could die. When they weren't fighting they would lock themselves in their room for hours, doing drugs. Countless times I remember crying and asking "If there is a god, why do my mom and dad want to do that, rather than spend time with me? Am I boring? Maybe if I didn't get in trouble so much they would want to spend time out here with me?"
After that mom and dad broke up, and I went to live with my dad. I was in the 3rd grade by this point. I ended up getting molested by a family friend, 7 different times. I went to live with my grandma and endured the worst year of my life. The court case dragged on and on, and I had to have to tell everyone what this man did to me.
By time I turned 14 I was with my dad for the summer. I was so lost and confused. I felt like I wasn't good enough for anyone to ever love, at least not enough. I ended up getting rapped that summer. He told me no one would ever love me. I felt as though god had not cared enough to be there for me. I fought with god and yelled at him, "God why did this happen? Did you send this guy to finish the job of the first one? Am I really that unlovable?"
Moving back to my grandma's house my aunt and uncle took me in under their wing and began to teach me about god. I still disagreed that god could love me as much as they said. I never spoke about it aloud. I always put on my smile and pushed through the day. Everyone thought I was perfectly happy girl, nothing was wrong. Inside though, I was so lost and confused. I couldn't understand why all this has happened to me. But the more I learned about god the more I began to love him.
I remember the day I asked god into my heart. It was in 2008, I remember thinking that if I have god in my life, he will make me lovable again, normal. From then on I fought with everything in me; I was not going to church!! I read my bible at home, and any time I had questions I asked my uncle for guidance. Everything seemed to be going great!!
It wasn't until the end of May that I finally turned to my bible for the first time. I have always read my bible, but never turned to for help. My grandma passed away May 16th 2010, she was mother, my world, my life, my everything. I have never known a pain so deep and so dark could exist. I sat in my room crying until my eyes were bloodshot and swollen. I just couldn't see a light through this; it was so dark and lonely now. All I wanted was my grandma, and it seemed no one truly understood what god had taken from me. So still weeping I pulled out my bible and prayed to god for wisdom, whatever he needs to say to me please be loud and clear for I couldn't hear well over my weeping. I lay my bible on my bed in front of me and randomly opened to a page. I came to Proverbs chapter 1. Randomly scanning the page a passage grabbed my eye within seconds of the bible being open.
Proverb 1:23
"Come and hear my counsel. I'll share my heart with you and make you wise."
I pondered that for a moment, then finally asked god, "Really? I don't want to!! I'm not like them god, I am a mess and will not fit in to their perfect world. I just can't, I can't."
I lay in bed and thought about it more and more, finally I sat up and told god, "Fine God, if this is what you want me to do then I'll do it. But just know I'm not doing this very happily. And it’s only going to make you look bad for sending a mess into the church."
I went that very Sunday, and I now understand what god was telling me, "Crystal, trust me." Things happen in our life for reasons we can't understand. I know God has a plan for me, and everything that happened to me was for a reason. I would never change a thing in my past, for my past has brought me close to god and taught me to trust him. Joshua 1:9 says "This is my command, be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discourage. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."
If god tells us not to be afraid, he will be never leave our side why wouldn't we trust him? God works through us in ways we can't even imagine. My life is in God’s hands, and he can continue to use me in any way he wants.
Now I'm sure we have all had these moments at some point in time. But have you ever had one of these moments last for months? It's pretty bad when you walk around thinking your light bulb is stuck or even worse broken. How can my light bulb be broken, I like to think I kind of need my light bulb! It was like this whenever my aunt would ask me about my testimony my light bulb just wouldn't come on. Some people have testimonies, just not me. She disagreed of course and kept explaining to me what a testimony was and how everyone has one. But nope, still no light bulb going off. It wasn't until October of 2010 that my light bulb came on. Yes my light bulb certainly took its time didn't it?
My aunt and granny had taken me to the Woman of Faith retreat, where we heard so many inspirational speakers. Sitting in the audience with thousands of woman who shared the same love for god as I did was an overwhelming feeling. Two speakers specifically really touched my heart and I realized their experiences were so similar to mine, and that was their testimony. If that's their testimony, isn't that sort of mine as well, only a little different?
As a little girl I lived with my parents. I love my parents so very much, but they weren't always the best parents. Most of my childhood memories of them are of abuse and drugs. They were both heavy drug users, and fought uncontrollably. I can't even count how many times I remember running and hiding under the table crying, only to think one of them was going to die, or I could die. When they weren't fighting they would lock themselves in their room for hours, doing drugs. Countless times I remember crying and asking "If there is a god, why do my mom and dad want to do that, rather than spend time with me? Am I boring? Maybe if I didn't get in trouble so much they would want to spend time out here with me?"
After that mom and dad broke up, and I went to live with my dad. I was in the 3rd grade by this point. I ended up getting molested by a family friend, 7 different times. I went to live with my grandma and endured the worst year of my life. The court case dragged on and on, and I had to have to tell everyone what this man did to me.
By time I turned 14 I was with my dad for the summer. I was so lost and confused. I felt like I wasn't good enough for anyone to ever love, at least not enough. I ended up getting rapped that summer. He told me no one would ever love me. I felt as though god had not cared enough to be there for me. I fought with god and yelled at him, "God why did this happen? Did you send this guy to finish the job of the first one? Am I really that unlovable?"
Moving back to my grandma's house my aunt and uncle took me in under their wing and began to teach me about god. I still disagreed that god could love me as much as they said. I never spoke about it aloud. I always put on my smile and pushed through the day. Everyone thought I was perfectly happy girl, nothing was wrong. Inside though, I was so lost and confused. I couldn't understand why all this has happened to me. But the more I learned about god the more I began to love him.
I remember the day I asked god into my heart. It was in 2008, I remember thinking that if I have god in my life, he will make me lovable again, normal. From then on I fought with everything in me; I was not going to church!! I read my bible at home, and any time I had questions I asked my uncle for guidance. Everything seemed to be going great!!
It wasn't until the end of May that I finally turned to my bible for the first time. I have always read my bible, but never turned to for help. My grandma passed away May 16th 2010, she was mother, my world, my life, my everything. I have never known a pain so deep and so dark could exist. I sat in my room crying until my eyes were bloodshot and swollen. I just couldn't see a light through this; it was so dark and lonely now. All I wanted was my grandma, and it seemed no one truly understood what god had taken from me. So still weeping I pulled out my bible and prayed to god for wisdom, whatever he needs to say to me please be loud and clear for I couldn't hear well over my weeping. I lay my bible on my bed in front of me and randomly opened to a page. I came to Proverbs chapter 1. Randomly scanning the page a passage grabbed my eye within seconds of the bible being open.
Proverb 1:23
"Come and hear my counsel. I'll share my heart with you and make you wise."
I pondered that for a moment, then finally asked god, "Really? I don't want to!! I'm not like them god, I am a mess and will not fit in to their perfect world. I just can't, I can't."
I lay in bed and thought about it more and more, finally I sat up and told god, "Fine God, if this is what you want me to do then I'll do it. But just know I'm not doing this very happily. And it’s only going to make you look bad for sending a mess into the church."
I went that very Sunday, and I now understand what god was telling me, "Crystal, trust me." Things happen in our life for reasons we can't understand. I know God has a plan for me, and everything that happened to me was for a reason. I would never change a thing in my past, for my past has brought me close to god and taught me to trust him. Joshua 1:9 says "This is my command, be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discourage. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."
If god tells us not to be afraid, he will be never leave our side why wouldn't we trust him? God works through us in ways we can't even imagine. My life is in God’s hands, and he can continue to use me in any way he wants.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Your own skin
Glancing in the mirror one more time
I tug at the hem of my skirt
fluff my hair a few times
And sigh in disappointment.
My eyes focus in on my dull dark brown hair
It seems to lay just below my collar bone
It use to race down to my waistline
That was before yet another desperate attempt
To fit in with the cliche of beautiful
That attempt had landed my pour hair in a dramatic A-line
Which was above my jaw bone
Not to mention the bright blonde highlights
Blonde, yet another stereotype of beautiful
My hair does not have perfect soft curls
Yet it doesn't fit into the sleek straight cliche either
My hair is curly and for a lack of better words,
Untamable and slightly frizzy.
Now the last time I checked
Untamable and frizzy
was the polar opposite of what our world calls "beauty"
Attempting to fit into that cliche
I spend an hour fighting with my hair
Determined to make it into something it's not
When I'm finally done, its still just ordinary
Another heavy sigh of disappointment excaps my lips
And my eyes move on
Now focusing on my face
Plastered all over the world and defined as beauty
Is a rich golden tan, blue eyes, and flawless skin.
I start to wonder if god ran out of beauty
And apparently I got the left overs.
Pale and flawed skin
I don't have defined cheekbones
Or high arched eyebrows
Instead I have a round somewhat chubby face
Some call it a baby face.
Which is only cute when your a toddler.
My lips are small and petite
My lower lip is fuller than the top
The top lip is very thin and has two peeks in the middle
Forming what almost looks like the top of a heart
Searching my face
My eyes find the one interesting feature I have
The bright green grabs and holds my attention
Slight brown emerges from the pupil
Leading its way into the green
that dominates the rest of my eye.
To bad my makeup never did my eyes any justice.
My lips curve and I'm smiling
Some may not define me as beautiful
Or anything close for that matter
I seem to be a complete opposite of that cliche
I have a beauty that radiates from inside me
making my "plane jane" look radiate as well
My beauty is an art of innocents and honesty.
With just the slightest touch of promiscuity
playing on my features
Giving another tug on the hem of my skirt
And one last fluff of my straighten hair
I feel completely comfortable
In my own skin
I tug at the hem of my skirt
fluff my hair a few times
And sigh in disappointment.
My eyes focus in on my dull dark brown hair
It seems to lay just below my collar bone
It use to race down to my waistline
That was before yet another desperate attempt
To fit in with the cliche of beautiful
That attempt had landed my pour hair in a dramatic A-line
Which was above my jaw bone
Not to mention the bright blonde highlights
Blonde, yet another stereotype of beautiful
My hair does not have perfect soft curls
Yet it doesn't fit into the sleek straight cliche either
My hair is curly and for a lack of better words,
Untamable and slightly frizzy.
Now the last time I checked
Untamable and frizzy
was the polar opposite of what our world calls "beauty"
Attempting to fit into that cliche
I spend an hour fighting with my hair
Determined to make it into something it's not
When I'm finally done, its still just ordinary
Another heavy sigh of disappointment excaps my lips
And my eyes move on
Now focusing on my face
Plastered all over the world and defined as beauty
Is a rich golden tan, blue eyes, and flawless skin.
I start to wonder if god ran out of beauty
And apparently I got the left overs.
Pale and flawed skin
I don't have defined cheekbones
Or high arched eyebrows
Instead I have a round somewhat chubby face
Some call it a baby face.
Which is only cute when your a toddler.
My lips are small and petite
My lower lip is fuller than the top
The top lip is very thin and has two peeks in the middle
Forming what almost looks like the top of a heart
Searching my face
My eyes find the one interesting feature I have
The bright green grabs and holds my attention
Slight brown emerges from the pupil
Leading its way into the green
that dominates the rest of my eye.
To bad my makeup never did my eyes any justice.
My lips curve and I'm smiling
Some may not define me as beautiful
Or anything close for that matter
I seem to be a complete opposite of that cliche
I have a beauty that radiates from inside me
making my "plane jane" look radiate as well
My beauty is an art of innocents and honesty.
With just the slightest touch of promiscuity
playing on my features
Giving another tug on the hem of my skirt
And one last fluff of my straighten hair
I feel completely comfortable
In my own skin
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Hello Junkies
Hello!!!
I just want to say thank you to everyone who reads my blog. Today is 09/23/2010 at around 1pm. I'm sitting here on lunch and I feel as though I am going to have a melt down!!
Silly me forgot to charge my phone last night, so it dead around 11am. And to make things worse our internet won’t open Facebook for some reason. I have never really noticed how addicted to my phone, texting, and Facebook I really am.
I guess I will just have to cut back, like any addiction you must first admit you have a problem. So listen up, I'm only going to say this once, Hi my name is Crystal, and I am addicted to Facebook, texting, and caffeine. I hope to become a recovering addict soon, until then I am still a junkie.
Well to all my Facebook, texting and caffeine junkies, I will check in with you later. Until then, happy addiction!!
Crystal :)
I just want to say thank you to everyone who reads my blog. Today is 09/23/2010 at around 1pm. I'm sitting here on lunch and I feel as though I am going to have a melt down!!
Silly me forgot to charge my phone last night, so it dead around 11am. And to make things worse our internet won’t open Facebook for some reason. I have never really noticed how addicted to my phone, texting, and Facebook I really am.
I guess I will just have to cut back, like any addiction you must first admit you have a problem. So listen up, I'm only going to say this once, Hi my name is Crystal, and I am addicted to Facebook, texting, and caffeine. I hope to become a recovering addict soon, until then I am still a junkie.
Well to all my Facebook, texting and caffeine junkies, I will check in with you later. Until then, happy addiction!!
Crystal :)
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Moments of emptiness
Doubling over in pain
I feel as though my chest is being pushed from the inside out
Every breath I manage to suck in
only makes the pain worse
Whispering to myself
"It's okay, it's okay, it will pass."
My hands start to tremble
I bite my lip
close my eyes as hard as possible
Rocking back and forth
The flood inside my chest
rocks violently as the waves slam into me
Forcing themselves out
They pour down my cheek
violent sobs escapes out from my lips
Time seems to stop as the storm takes place inside me
pouring out and making my eyes burn
Finally coming to an end
My head throbs its own little rhythm
As my throat screams in protest
The emptiness inside me feels as though it has been washed from me
Leaving me empty and numb
This feeling I welcome
No pain or grief
feelings of longing are as if they were never there in the first place
Thoughts about our last moments rush through my mind
Did she feel any pain?
Was she aware of what was going on?
even worse
was she scared?
Did she make it to heaven?
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Planting the seeding
Looks like it's going to be just another slow Tuesday. Our schedule has fallen apart, once again. For some reason, people hate coming to see the Dentist. I guess don't blame them though, if I could get out of it I would. To bad my appointments are whenever a patient doesn't show. My boss hasn't made it in yet, another 20 minutes until our patient get's here, wonder what I can do.....
Knock Knock!!!!
I jump out of my seat and race to the door, opening it to see an old grumpy man!! Not my favorite patient, he and his wife are always really rude.
He barks at me " Jane* will be in in just a minute for her appointment. Is he running behind, again?"
Silently I think of all the nice things I would love to bark back, "Sorry Sir your 20 minutes early, sit down and shut up!!!" Instead I nod my head and wave him in to the office.
"You know, Mr. Smith, we are a dental office, you don't need to knock before you come in." I try to give a little smile, hoping that he doesn't hear the sarcasm that has just crawled its way out of my mouth. For some reason I can't make my mind stop thinking mean insults to this man. After all, two wrongs do not make a right.....
As the time slowly drags on, I sit alone with Mr. Smith in the waiting area until his wife is done. As I rack my brain for things to talk to this man, the room continues to get even more awkward!!! As if the man is reading my mind he looks up from his ESPN magazine and glares at me. Great what did I do to him now? He clears his throat and scolds me, " So Crystal, I hear you were in a car wreck, no not an accident those are unpreventable. "
This man in unbelievable!! How can he be so rude? Fine, two can play that game! "Ya I got in a car accident 6 weeks ago. There was no way for me to prevent it." Silently I smile to myself, the shocked look on his face was priceless. okay, maybe not priceless, I may get in some trouble if he complains about me again to the doctor. I hate having to talk money with people, I always end up the bad guy.
Mr. Smith raises his fury brows in amusement and tilts his head to the side. At that moment I caught myself comparing him to my 5 year old Jack Russell Terrier. I could just picture him wiggling his butt from side to side in excitement. "You hit a deer doing 70mph, how was that not preventable?" Suddenly he isn't that cute image of my terrier anymore, rather than a school teacher who just caught me cheating on my homework.
Think fast, think fast! This man just makes me so mad! "Okay look Mr. Smith, I'm not going to lie to you. I was speeding and I shouldn't have been. I admit that. However I do no appreciate you judging me. That deer jumped from the embankment and I didn't even have time to let up off the gas pedal. No matter how fast I was going, the airbag would have hit me at the same speed, there for resulting in the same injuries."
The features on his face relaxed a little and he smiled at me. When he smiled he didn't seem to be so mean. He didn't look so old either. He couldn't have been much older than his mid forty's. I peeked at the computer screen to check his birthday, yup 47 years old. I had to admit, I liked this version of Mr. Smith.....Maybe he is bipolar? That would explain the polar opposite mood swings he has. He took a deep breath and was 100% serious, "You know, your lucky."
"No I'm not lucky, I don't believe in luck."
He looked at me confused and curious, "Oh, and why is that?"
I sighed, think Crystal, think! If I told him the truth I could lose my job for talking about "religion". On the other hand, I can't deny this weird butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach. "Mr. Smith, I'm not alive because of luck, I'm alive because of god. He wrapped his hands around me and kept me safe during that ACCIDENT. Without him I would be dead right now."
He seemed to be contemplating this for a moment before he finally responded, "How can you believe that? If there was a god why would he allow you to be in that car wreck in the first place?"
"We have complete control over our choices and I choose to speed. God knew I would, and he kept me safe. God isn't ever going to leave me to just fend for myself."
Taking a deep breath in Mr. Smith picked up his ESPN and sighed, "That's all crap you know." With a wave of his hand I knew he was done talking. For some reason though I felt closer to Mr.Smith...
How could I feel close to Mr.Smith? He was always mean to me, even now! Maybe he isn't mean, just lost, or confused. At least it doesn't feel awkward now. Maybe I will have to give him another try, he can't be that bad. He is married so someone must think he is nice. Just then the Jane walked out from the treatment room. "I'm going to use the restroom and then we can leave." She gave Mr.Smith a smile and headed towards the restroom.
Mr. Smith walked to door and turned to look at me, "Crystal, do you think god would help me, if I needed it?"
My breath caught in my throat and I could feel my stomach turn. Mr. Smith had the most heartbreaking look I have ever seen on a full grown man. It reminded me of the moment I had to tell my grandpa that grandma had taken a turn for the worst and we needed to say goodbye. Stumbling for the right words I reached for my purse and grab a book called Heaven, are you going? "As long as you've confessed your sins, believe Jesus died on the cross for our sins and ask god into your heart, he will never leave you." I walked over to him and handed him the book. He gave me the slightest smile and left the office.
Jane came up to the desk to make an appointment for Mr.Smith to get his yearly check up. "It is rather urgent, he will be under going chemo in a couple weeks and the Doctor said he needed a dental check up before."
Shock stunned me and I froze. Did I hear Jane right? Chemo? "Umm Jane, sorry if I'm intruding, but did you say chemo?"
Jane's eyes darted from me to the counter. I didn't notice before but she had heavy black bags under her eyes and she looked as though she was in need of a good night's rest. My chest hurt and felt as though someone had hit me. Why was she taking so long to answer? What was the matter with Mr.Smith?
"We just found out three weeks ago that he has cancer. Surgery is not an option, chemo is our only chance."
*Due to HIPAA laws names have been changed.
Knock Knock!!!!
I jump out of my seat and race to the door, opening it to see an old grumpy man!! Not my favorite patient, he and his wife are always really rude.
He barks at me " Jane* will be in in just a minute for her appointment. Is he running behind, again?"
Silently I think of all the nice things I would love to bark back, "Sorry Sir your 20 minutes early, sit down and shut up!!!" Instead I nod my head and wave him in to the office.
"You know, Mr. Smith, we are a dental office, you don't need to knock before you come in." I try to give a little smile, hoping that he doesn't hear the sarcasm that has just crawled its way out of my mouth. For some reason I can't make my mind stop thinking mean insults to this man. After all, two wrongs do not make a right.....
As the time slowly drags on, I sit alone with Mr. Smith in the waiting area until his wife is done. As I rack my brain for things to talk to this man, the room continues to get even more awkward!!! As if the man is reading my mind he looks up from his ESPN magazine and glares at me. Great what did I do to him now? He clears his throat and scolds me, " So Crystal, I hear you were in a car wreck, no not an accident those are unpreventable. "
This man in unbelievable!! How can he be so rude? Fine, two can play that game! "Ya I got in a car accident 6 weeks ago. There was no way for me to prevent it." Silently I smile to myself, the shocked look on his face was priceless. okay, maybe not priceless, I may get in some trouble if he complains about me again to the doctor. I hate having to talk money with people, I always end up the bad guy.
Mr. Smith raises his fury brows in amusement and tilts his head to the side. At that moment I caught myself comparing him to my 5 year old Jack Russell Terrier. I could just picture him wiggling his butt from side to side in excitement. "You hit a deer doing 70mph, how was that not preventable?" Suddenly he isn't that cute image of my terrier anymore, rather than a school teacher who just caught me cheating on my homework.
Think fast, think fast! This man just makes me so mad! "Okay look Mr. Smith, I'm not going to lie to you. I was speeding and I shouldn't have been. I admit that. However I do no appreciate you judging me. That deer jumped from the embankment and I didn't even have time to let up off the gas pedal. No matter how fast I was going, the airbag would have hit me at the same speed, there for resulting in the same injuries."
The features on his face relaxed a little and he smiled at me. When he smiled he didn't seem to be so mean. He didn't look so old either. He couldn't have been much older than his mid forty's. I peeked at the computer screen to check his birthday, yup 47 years old. I had to admit, I liked this version of Mr. Smith.....Maybe he is bipolar? That would explain the polar opposite mood swings he has. He took a deep breath and was 100% serious, "You know, your lucky."
"No I'm not lucky, I don't believe in luck."
He looked at me confused and curious, "Oh, and why is that?"
I sighed, think Crystal, think! If I told him the truth I could lose my job for talking about "religion". On the other hand, I can't deny this weird butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach. "Mr. Smith, I'm not alive because of luck, I'm alive because of god. He wrapped his hands around me and kept me safe during that ACCIDENT. Without him I would be dead right now."
He seemed to be contemplating this for a moment before he finally responded, "How can you believe that? If there was a god why would he allow you to be in that car wreck in the first place?"
"We have complete control over our choices and I choose to speed. God knew I would, and he kept me safe. God isn't ever going to leave me to just fend for myself."
Taking a deep breath in Mr. Smith picked up his ESPN and sighed, "That's all crap you know." With a wave of his hand I knew he was done talking. For some reason though I felt closer to Mr.Smith...
How could I feel close to Mr.Smith? He was always mean to me, even now! Maybe he isn't mean, just lost, or confused. At least it doesn't feel awkward now. Maybe I will have to give him another try, he can't be that bad. He is married so someone must think he is nice. Just then the Jane walked out from the treatment room. "I'm going to use the restroom and then we can leave." She gave Mr.Smith a smile and headed towards the restroom.
Mr. Smith walked to door and turned to look at me, "Crystal, do you think god would help me, if I needed it?"
My breath caught in my throat and I could feel my stomach turn. Mr. Smith had the most heartbreaking look I have ever seen on a full grown man. It reminded me of the moment I had to tell my grandpa that grandma had taken a turn for the worst and we needed to say goodbye. Stumbling for the right words I reached for my purse and grab a book called Heaven, are you going? "As long as you've confessed your sins, believe Jesus died on the cross for our sins and ask god into your heart, he will never leave you." I walked over to him and handed him the book. He gave me the slightest smile and left the office.
Jane came up to the desk to make an appointment for Mr.Smith to get his yearly check up. "It is rather urgent, he will be under going chemo in a couple weeks and the Doctor said he needed a dental check up before."
Shock stunned me and I froze. Did I hear Jane right? Chemo? "Umm Jane, sorry if I'm intruding, but did you say chemo?"
Jane's eyes darted from me to the counter. I didn't notice before but she had heavy black bags under her eyes and she looked as though she was in need of a good night's rest. My chest hurt and felt as though someone had hit me. Why was she taking so long to answer? What was the matter with Mr.Smith?
"We just found out three weeks ago that he has cancer. Surgery is not an option, chemo is our only chance."
*Due to HIPAA laws names have been changed.
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