Skinny bitches round 2!
Woohoo Back at the gym!! Somehow after a few cups of coffee and sitting all day at the office I am totally amped to go back to the gym. Although I have no idea why, my legs are stiff and sore and my ass muscles or lack of, feels like there being torn every time I take a step. Hell yeah to paying good money for this and killings myself all over!!
After the nightmare of my last workout crawls its way back into existence and terrifies me, I manage to climb on the treadmill anyways, thinking “If these skinny bitches can do it, so can I!! I plug my headphones into my phone, pull up YouTube and search for the best chick music I can think of, Jessica Mauboy “Get Em’ Girls.” As the music pours out my energy levels sores to a high and I’m on a roll!!
12 minutes into my workout my muscles are warm and feeling great!! The tenderness from my last workout seems to be going away and this doesn’t seem as bad as last time. Maybe I was overreacting last time, this is amazing and I have missed the gym!! Turning up my music I kick up the workout a notch as well.
15minutes into my work out I’m out of breath and hating life, and once again cursing all the skinny bitches!! Somehow this is ridiculous torture to put yourself through!! Again the nasty sweat has dewed up making my clothes stick to me in a very uncomfortable and unflattering way! My mind chants, “damn skinny bitches, damn skinny bitches, damn skinny bitches!”
20 minutes into my work my mind continues to chant, “Damn skinny ungrateful bitches, damn skinny ungrateful bitches. . . “A flash of red draws my attention to the right of me, damn skinny ungrateful bitch probably here to show off. Listening to the treadmill next to me hit what seems to be full speed; I ignore it, not wanting to feel any worse than already do. It doesn’t help that all the TV shows, every movie and every internet site is exploiting underweight females and pushes their views of beautiful onto American woman. How are we supposed to feel good about ourselves when our rib cage isn’t on display? Ugh, the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach!! Now this skinny bitch in red has the nerve to come and show me up at the gym?!!
I kick up the incline as well as the speed on the treadmill and go full throttle! This skinny bitch will see what a curvy woman can do! I run with full force, pushing myself and silently cursing myself at the same time, “you dumb moron, just let her win, you know you’re going to regret this.” About that time my side cramps and it hurts to breath. I mentally chant loader hoping it will push me the last 2 minutes of my workout, “damn skinny ungrateful, spoiled, eating disorder causing bitches! “
FINALLY the treadmill goes into cool down mode! Hell yeah miss skinny bitch, that’s right, a fat kid just showed you up, didn’t she!! With my poor sportsmanship attitude leaking through my thoughts to the grin on my face, I turn to see what skinny bitch I had showed up. To my dismay the skinny bitch was still going in full force!! I had lost, how’s that possible!? It takes all of one second for my mind to register that I had lost, but a few more before it dawned on me to stop looking at her treadmill screen and actually look at the skinny bitch that had showed me up, fair and square. I turn bright red in realization that my own personal skinny bitch happened to be a old man, at least in his 80’s wearing bright red overall’s.
P.S Thank you skinny bitches for helping to push me forward, and coo do’s to the old man!! See you next time!
Love,
Crystal
Monday, March 7, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Skinny Bitches
Alright time to get back in shape!!! Woohoo!! Yeah right!!! After a year of school and work full time, while giving up your gym membership so you can get a full 4 hours of sleep a night, things change!! When I say things change, I mean things change!! If it's not my mentally sexy attitude that is now nonexistent, it's the physical changes too. Seems like my arms have become balloons, my abs, well let's say what abs??? Not to mention my ass!!! Holy wow do I miss the gym!!
So today was my first day back and I was so stocked!!!Jump on the elliptical and I can feel that sexy attitude coming back, that's right baby, Crystal is at the gym again and feeling pretty damn good! That is until 10 minutes into my workout, by then I was mentally cursing all the skinny bitches out there! You know the ones that eat anything they want and look stunning no matter what!!!
20 minutes into my workout my mental cursing got worse, it went from skinny bitch to skinny ungrateful bitch!!! Holy wow I have no idea how I missed this so much! This seems like torture!! Worse yet, I'm paying $44 a month and giving up an hour of my evening to be tortured, how is this fair?
By time 40minutes hit, I could feel the nasty sweat sticking to my body, in places I didn't even know could sweat!! My chest stung with ever gasp of air I breathed in! And once again my mental cursing became even worse, "skinny, ungrateful, spoiled bitch!"
Finally time up and I thought I was going to die!! Now that I can't breathe, I'm nasty sweaty, my makeup is running, (why the hell did I keep my makeup on when I came here?) And my mental cursing is at a peak, "skinny, ungreatful, spoiled, eating disorder causing bitches!!!!!!"
About an hour after my workout, my breathing became normal and didn't burn. I feel so tired and worn out, but despite all that I feel great!!!!
P.S thank you skinny bitches for motivating me throughout my hour!!! Talk to you tomorrow!!
Love,
Crystal!
So today was my first day back and I was so stocked!!!Jump on the elliptical and I can feel that sexy attitude coming back, that's right baby, Crystal is at the gym again and feeling pretty damn good! That is until 10 minutes into my workout, by then I was mentally cursing all the skinny bitches out there! You know the ones that eat anything they want and look stunning no matter what!!!
20 minutes into my workout my mental cursing got worse, it went from skinny bitch to skinny ungrateful bitch!!! Holy wow I have no idea how I missed this so much! This seems like torture!! Worse yet, I'm paying $44 a month and giving up an hour of my evening to be tortured, how is this fair?
By time 40minutes hit, I could feel the nasty sweat sticking to my body, in places I didn't even know could sweat!! My chest stung with ever gasp of air I breathed in! And once again my mental cursing became even worse, "skinny, ungrateful, spoiled bitch!"
Finally time up and I thought I was going to die!! Now that I can't breathe, I'm nasty sweaty, my makeup is running, (why the hell did I keep my makeup on when I came here?) And my mental cursing is at a peak, "skinny, ungreatful, spoiled, eating disorder causing bitches!!!!!!"
About an hour after my workout, my breathing became normal and didn't burn. I feel so tired and worn out, but despite all that I feel great!!!!
P.S thank you skinny bitches for motivating me throughout my hour!!! Talk to you tomorrow!!
Love,
Crystal!
Monday, November 22, 2010
1st Snow
Grandma,
Wow I cant believe its been 6months and 6 days since I had to say good bye and tell you how much I love you. Id like to say I know your in a good place, and I am doing great.
But I'm not. . . .
I have moments, moments likes these. Where I break down and feel like the emptiness is going to consume me. It's little things that trigger it. Today is the first snow fall without you. I still have so many "1st: to go throw without you. Somehow every time I have to go throw one of those 1st, it only gets harder.
I keep thinking I'm going to wake up from this awful nightmare, with you holding me, rocking me back and forth, running your fingers threw my hair and whispering soothing words in my ear. But I never wake up....
I miss you so much Grandma. . . .
Wow I cant believe its been 6months and 6 days since I had to say good bye and tell you how much I love you. Id like to say I know your in a good place, and I am doing great.
But I'm not. . . .
I have moments, moments likes these. Where I break down and feel like the emptiness is going to consume me. It's little things that trigger it. Today is the first snow fall without you. I still have so many "1st: to go throw without you. Somehow every time I have to go throw one of those 1st, it only gets harder.
I keep thinking I'm going to wake up from this awful nightmare, with you holding me, rocking me back and forth, running your fingers threw my hair and whispering soothing words in my ear. But I never wake up....
I miss you so much Grandma. . . .
Monday, October 18, 2010
I blink once. . . twice
trying to wash away the sandy feeling
Chest rising and falling ever so steady
I lay motionless
My eyes go black as the room begins to disappear
I slowly fad into my own little coma . . . . .
A heavy confusion washes over me
I spin in each direction
Trying to make since of time
I scan my surroundings, searching for some clue as to where I am
Brilliant colors dance across the sky
Colors of night and day intertwine
as if they can't make up their mind
A sweet smell tickles my nose and demands my attention
Freezing for a moment and trying to pin point the location of such a heavenly smell
I glance down
I am standing on a feather like bed of dew covered grass
Ever so perfectly red is scattered all around
My eye focuses in on the red, and it triggers some distant memory
As the object comes in focus I inhale a sudden breath oh surprise
My chest walls begin to collapse
I can feel my rib cage slowly compressing my lungs into nonexistence
I know these flowers
Red Carnations
Not done yet :) will finish soon!!
trying to wash away the sandy feeling
Chest rising and falling ever so steady
I lay motionless
My eyes go black as the room begins to disappear
I slowly fad into my own little coma . . . . .
A heavy confusion washes over me
I spin in each direction
Trying to make since of time
I scan my surroundings, searching for some clue as to where I am
Brilliant colors dance across the sky
Colors of night and day intertwine
as if they can't make up their mind
A sweet smell tickles my nose and demands my attention
Freezing for a moment and trying to pin point the location of such a heavenly smell
I glance down
I am standing on a feather like bed of dew covered grass
Ever so perfectly red is scattered all around
My eye focuses in on the red, and it triggers some distant memory
As the object comes in focus I inhale a sudden breath oh surprise
My chest walls begin to collapse
I can feel my rib cage slowly compressing my lungs into nonexistence
I know these flowers
Red Carnations
Not done yet :) will finish soon!!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Testimony
Have you ever had a moment where your "light bulb" just won’t come on no matter what you do? For example you just get in your car and are about to take off when your best friend looks at you with a stupefied look on her face and says "Crystal, do you have your car keys?" My mind races to the last place I seen my keys, oh yeah they're hanging up. I look back stupefied, "Yes I have my keys, they're hanging up?" She looks at me a little longer as if this is all supposed to make since to me. Then about 20 seconds later it hit me that I was sitting in my driver seat with the keys still in the house! Or I can remember a time I was busy making dinner for my grandparents. Without even thinking about it I put the milk away, normal right? Well I put the milk away in the cupboard. It wasn't until I was finished with dinner that my light bulb came on and I realized that the milk actually goes in the refrigerator.
Now I'm sure we have all had these moments at some point in time. But have you ever had one of these moments last for months? It's pretty bad when you walk around thinking your light bulb is stuck or even worse broken. How can my light bulb be broken, I like to think I kind of need my light bulb! It was like this whenever my aunt would ask me about my testimony my light bulb just wouldn't come on. Some people have testimonies, just not me. She disagreed of course and kept explaining to me what a testimony was and how everyone has one. But nope, still no light bulb going off. It wasn't until October of 2010 that my light bulb came on. Yes my light bulb certainly took its time didn't it?
My aunt and granny had taken me to the Woman of Faith retreat, where we heard so many inspirational speakers. Sitting in the audience with thousands of woman who shared the same love for god as I did was an overwhelming feeling. Two speakers specifically really touched my heart and I realized their experiences were so similar to mine, and that was their testimony. If that's their testimony, isn't that sort of mine as well, only a little different?
As a little girl I lived with my parents. I love my parents so very much, but they weren't always the best parents. Most of my childhood memories of them are of abuse and drugs. They were both heavy drug users, and fought uncontrollably. I can't even count how many times I remember running and hiding under the table crying, only to think one of them was going to die, or I could die. When they weren't fighting they would lock themselves in their room for hours, doing drugs. Countless times I remember crying and asking "If there is a god, why do my mom and dad want to do that, rather than spend time with me? Am I boring? Maybe if I didn't get in trouble so much they would want to spend time out here with me?"
After that mom and dad broke up, and I went to live with my dad. I was in the 3rd grade by this point. I ended up getting molested by a family friend, 7 different times. I went to live with my grandma and endured the worst year of my life. The court case dragged on and on, and I had to have to tell everyone what this man did to me.
By time I turned 14 I was with my dad for the summer. I was so lost and confused. I felt like I wasn't good enough for anyone to ever love, at least not enough. I ended up getting rapped that summer. He told me no one would ever love me. I felt as though god had not cared enough to be there for me. I fought with god and yelled at him, "God why did this happen? Did you send this guy to finish the job of the first one? Am I really that unlovable?"
Moving back to my grandma's house my aunt and uncle took me in under their wing and began to teach me about god. I still disagreed that god could love me as much as they said. I never spoke about it aloud. I always put on my smile and pushed through the day. Everyone thought I was perfectly happy girl, nothing was wrong. Inside though, I was so lost and confused. I couldn't understand why all this has happened to me. But the more I learned about god the more I began to love him.
I remember the day I asked god into my heart. It was in 2008, I remember thinking that if I have god in my life, he will make me lovable again, normal. From then on I fought with everything in me; I was not going to church!! I read my bible at home, and any time I had questions I asked my uncle for guidance. Everything seemed to be going great!!
It wasn't until the end of May that I finally turned to my bible for the first time. I have always read my bible, but never turned to for help. My grandma passed away May 16th 2010, she was mother, my world, my life, my everything. I have never known a pain so deep and so dark could exist. I sat in my room crying until my eyes were bloodshot and swollen. I just couldn't see a light through this; it was so dark and lonely now. All I wanted was my grandma, and it seemed no one truly understood what god had taken from me. So still weeping I pulled out my bible and prayed to god for wisdom, whatever he needs to say to me please be loud and clear for I couldn't hear well over my weeping. I lay my bible on my bed in front of me and randomly opened to a page. I came to Proverbs chapter 1. Randomly scanning the page a passage grabbed my eye within seconds of the bible being open.
Proverb 1:23
"Come and hear my counsel. I'll share my heart with you and make you wise."
I pondered that for a moment, then finally asked god, "Really? I don't want to!! I'm not like them god, I am a mess and will not fit in to their perfect world. I just can't, I can't."
I lay in bed and thought about it more and more, finally I sat up and told god, "Fine God, if this is what you want me to do then I'll do it. But just know I'm not doing this very happily. And it’s only going to make you look bad for sending a mess into the church."
I went that very Sunday, and I now understand what god was telling me, "Crystal, trust me." Things happen in our life for reasons we can't understand. I know God has a plan for me, and everything that happened to me was for a reason. I would never change a thing in my past, for my past has brought me close to god and taught me to trust him. Joshua 1:9 says "This is my command, be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discourage. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."
If god tells us not to be afraid, he will be never leave our side why wouldn't we trust him? God works through us in ways we can't even imagine. My life is in God’s hands, and he can continue to use me in any way he wants.
Now I'm sure we have all had these moments at some point in time. But have you ever had one of these moments last for months? It's pretty bad when you walk around thinking your light bulb is stuck or even worse broken. How can my light bulb be broken, I like to think I kind of need my light bulb! It was like this whenever my aunt would ask me about my testimony my light bulb just wouldn't come on. Some people have testimonies, just not me. She disagreed of course and kept explaining to me what a testimony was and how everyone has one. But nope, still no light bulb going off. It wasn't until October of 2010 that my light bulb came on. Yes my light bulb certainly took its time didn't it?
My aunt and granny had taken me to the Woman of Faith retreat, where we heard so many inspirational speakers. Sitting in the audience with thousands of woman who shared the same love for god as I did was an overwhelming feeling. Two speakers specifically really touched my heart and I realized their experiences were so similar to mine, and that was their testimony. If that's their testimony, isn't that sort of mine as well, only a little different?
As a little girl I lived with my parents. I love my parents so very much, but they weren't always the best parents. Most of my childhood memories of them are of abuse and drugs. They were both heavy drug users, and fought uncontrollably. I can't even count how many times I remember running and hiding under the table crying, only to think one of them was going to die, or I could die. When they weren't fighting they would lock themselves in their room for hours, doing drugs. Countless times I remember crying and asking "If there is a god, why do my mom and dad want to do that, rather than spend time with me? Am I boring? Maybe if I didn't get in trouble so much they would want to spend time out here with me?"
After that mom and dad broke up, and I went to live with my dad. I was in the 3rd grade by this point. I ended up getting molested by a family friend, 7 different times. I went to live with my grandma and endured the worst year of my life. The court case dragged on and on, and I had to have to tell everyone what this man did to me.
By time I turned 14 I was with my dad for the summer. I was so lost and confused. I felt like I wasn't good enough for anyone to ever love, at least not enough. I ended up getting rapped that summer. He told me no one would ever love me. I felt as though god had not cared enough to be there for me. I fought with god and yelled at him, "God why did this happen? Did you send this guy to finish the job of the first one? Am I really that unlovable?"
Moving back to my grandma's house my aunt and uncle took me in under their wing and began to teach me about god. I still disagreed that god could love me as much as they said. I never spoke about it aloud. I always put on my smile and pushed through the day. Everyone thought I was perfectly happy girl, nothing was wrong. Inside though, I was so lost and confused. I couldn't understand why all this has happened to me. But the more I learned about god the more I began to love him.
I remember the day I asked god into my heart. It was in 2008, I remember thinking that if I have god in my life, he will make me lovable again, normal. From then on I fought with everything in me; I was not going to church!! I read my bible at home, and any time I had questions I asked my uncle for guidance. Everything seemed to be going great!!
It wasn't until the end of May that I finally turned to my bible for the first time. I have always read my bible, but never turned to for help. My grandma passed away May 16th 2010, she was mother, my world, my life, my everything. I have never known a pain so deep and so dark could exist. I sat in my room crying until my eyes were bloodshot and swollen. I just couldn't see a light through this; it was so dark and lonely now. All I wanted was my grandma, and it seemed no one truly understood what god had taken from me. So still weeping I pulled out my bible and prayed to god for wisdom, whatever he needs to say to me please be loud and clear for I couldn't hear well over my weeping. I lay my bible on my bed in front of me and randomly opened to a page. I came to Proverbs chapter 1. Randomly scanning the page a passage grabbed my eye within seconds of the bible being open.
Proverb 1:23
"Come and hear my counsel. I'll share my heart with you and make you wise."
I pondered that for a moment, then finally asked god, "Really? I don't want to!! I'm not like them god, I am a mess and will not fit in to their perfect world. I just can't, I can't."
I lay in bed and thought about it more and more, finally I sat up and told god, "Fine God, if this is what you want me to do then I'll do it. But just know I'm not doing this very happily. And it’s only going to make you look bad for sending a mess into the church."
I went that very Sunday, and I now understand what god was telling me, "Crystal, trust me." Things happen in our life for reasons we can't understand. I know God has a plan for me, and everything that happened to me was for a reason. I would never change a thing in my past, for my past has brought me close to god and taught me to trust him. Joshua 1:9 says "This is my command, be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discourage. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."
If god tells us not to be afraid, he will be never leave our side why wouldn't we trust him? God works through us in ways we can't even imagine. My life is in God’s hands, and he can continue to use me in any way he wants.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Your own skin
Glancing in the mirror one more time
I tug at the hem of my skirt
fluff my hair a few times
And sigh in disappointment.
My eyes focus in on my dull dark brown hair
It seems to lay just below my collar bone
It use to race down to my waistline
That was before yet another desperate attempt
To fit in with the cliche of beautiful
That attempt had landed my pour hair in a dramatic A-line
Which was above my jaw bone
Not to mention the bright blonde highlights
Blonde, yet another stereotype of beautiful
My hair does not have perfect soft curls
Yet it doesn't fit into the sleek straight cliche either
My hair is curly and for a lack of better words,
Untamable and slightly frizzy.
Now the last time I checked
Untamable and frizzy
was the polar opposite of what our world calls "beauty"
Attempting to fit into that cliche
I spend an hour fighting with my hair
Determined to make it into something it's not
When I'm finally done, its still just ordinary
Another heavy sigh of disappointment excaps my lips
And my eyes move on
Now focusing on my face
Plastered all over the world and defined as beauty
Is a rich golden tan, blue eyes, and flawless skin.
I start to wonder if god ran out of beauty
And apparently I got the left overs.
Pale and flawed skin
I don't have defined cheekbones
Or high arched eyebrows
Instead I have a round somewhat chubby face
Some call it a baby face.
Which is only cute when your a toddler.
My lips are small and petite
My lower lip is fuller than the top
The top lip is very thin and has two peeks in the middle
Forming what almost looks like the top of a heart
Searching my face
My eyes find the one interesting feature I have
The bright green grabs and holds my attention
Slight brown emerges from the pupil
Leading its way into the green
that dominates the rest of my eye.
To bad my makeup never did my eyes any justice.
My lips curve and I'm smiling
Some may not define me as beautiful
Or anything close for that matter
I seem to be a complete opposite of that cliche
I have a beauty that radiates from inside me
making my "plane jane" look radiate as well
My beauty is an art of innocents and honesty.
With just the slightest touch of promiscuity
playing on my features
Giving another tug on the hem of my skirt
And one last fluff of my straighten hair
I feel completely comfortable
In my own skin
I tug at the hem of my skirt
fluff my hair a few times
And sigh in disappointment.
My eyes focus in on my dull dark brown hair
It seems to lay just below my collar bone
It use to race down to my waistline
That was before yet another desperate attempt
To fit in with the cliche of beautiful
That attempt had landed my pour hair in a dramatic A-line
Which was above my jaw bone
Not to mention the bright blonde highlights
Blonde, yet another stereotype of beautiful
My hair does not have perfect soft curls
Yet it doesn't fit into the sleek straight cliche either
My hair is curly and for a lack of better words,
Untamable and slightly frizzy.
Now the last time I checked
Untamable and frizzy
was the polar opposite of what our world calls "beauty"
Attempting to fit into that cliche
I spend an hour fighting with my hair
Determined to make it into something it's not
When I'm finally done, its still just ordinary
Another heavy sigh of disappointment excaps my lips
And my eyes move on
Now focusing on my face
Plastered all over the world and defined as beauty
Is a rich golden tan, blue eyes, and flawless skin.
I start to wonder if god ran out of beauty
And apparently I got the left overs.
Pale and flawed skin
I don't have defined cheekbones
Or high arched eyebrows
Instead I have a round somewhat chubby face
Some call it a baby face.
Which is only cute when your a toddler.
My lips are small and petite
My lower lip is fuller than the top
The top lip is very thin and has two peeks in the middle
Forming what almost looks like the top of a heart
Searching my face
My eyes find the one interesting feature I have
The bright green grabs and holds my attention
Slight brown emerges from the pupil
Leading its way into the green
that dominates the rest of my eye.
To bad my makeup never did my eyes any justice.
My lips curve and I'm smiling
Some may not define me as beautiful
Or anything close for that matter
I seem to be a complete opposite of that cliche
I have a beauty that radiates from inside me
making my "plane jane" look radiate as well
My beauty is an art of innocents and honesty.
With just the slightest touch of promiscuity
playing on my features
Giving another tug on the hem of my skirt
And one last fluff of my straighten hair
I feel completely comfortable
In my own skin
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Hello Junkies
Hello!!!
I just want to say thank you to everyone who reads my blog. Today is 09/23/2010 at around 1pm. I'm sitting here on lunch and I feel as though I am going to have a melt down!!
Silly me forgot to charge my phone last night, so it dead around 11am. And to make things worse our internet won’t open Facebook for some reason. I have never really noticed how addicted to my phone, texting, and Facebook I really am.
I guess I will just have to cut back, like any addiction you must first admit you have a problem. So listen up, I'm only going to say this once, Hi my name is Crystal, and I am addicted to Facebook, texting, and caffeine. I hope to become a recovering addict soon, until then I am still a junkie.
Well to all my Facebook, texting and caffeine junkies, I will check in with you later. Until then, happy addiction!!
Crystal :)
I just want to say thank you to everyone who reads my blog. Today is 09/23/2010 at around 1pm. I'm sitting here on lunch and I feel as though I am going to have a melt down!!
Silly me forgot to charge my phone last night, so it dead around 11am. And to make things worse our internet won’t open Facebook for some reason. I have never really noticed how addicted to my phone, texting, and Facebook I really am.
I guess I will just have to cut back, like any addiction you must first admit you have a problem. So listen up, I'm only going to say this once, Hi my name is Crystal, and I am addicted to Facebook, texting, and caffeine. I hope to become a recovering addict soon, until then I am still a junkie.
Well to all my Facebook, texting and caffeine junkies, I will check in with you later. Until then, happy addiction!!
Crystal :)
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