Hello!!!
I just want to say thank you to everyone who reads my blog. Today is 09/23/2010 at around 1pm. I'm sitting here on lunch and I feel as though I am going to have a melt down!!
Silly me forgot to charge my phone last night, so it dead around 11am. And to make things worse our internet won’t open Facebook for some reason. I have never really noticed how addicted to my phone, texting, and Facebook I really am.
I guess I will just have to cut back, like any addiction you must first admit you have a problem. So listen up, I'm only going to say this once, Hi my name is Crystal, and I am addicted to Facebook, texting, and caffeine. I hope to become a recovering addict soon, until then I am still a junkie.
Well to all my Facebook, texting and caffeine junkies, I will check in with you later. Until then, happy addiction!!
Crystal :)
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Moments of emptiness
Doubling over in pain
I feel as though my chest is being pushed from the inside out
Every breath I manage to suck in
only makes the pain worse
Whispering to myself
"It's okay, it's okay, it will pass."
My hands start to tremble
I bite my lip
close my eyes as hard as possible
Rocking back and forth
The flood inside my chest
rocks violently as the waves slam into me
Forcing themselves out
They pour down my cheek
violent sobs escapes out from my lips
Time seems to stop as the storm takes place inside me
pouring out and making my eyes burn
Finally coming to an end
My head throbs its own little rhythm
As my throat screams in protest
The emptiness inside me feels as though it has been washed from me
Leaving me empty and numb
This feeling I welcome
No pain or grief
feelings of longing are as if they were never there in the first place
Thoughts about our last moments rush through my mind
Did she feel any pain?
Was she aware of what was going on?
even worse
was she scared?
Did she make it to heaven?
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Planting the seeding
Looks like it's going to be just another slow Tuesday. Our schedule has fallen apart, once again. For some reason, people hate coming to see the Dentist. I guess don't blame them though, if I could get out of it I would. To bad my appointments are whenever a patient doesn't show. My boss hasn't made it in yet, another 20 minutes until our patient get's here, wonder what I can do.....
Knock Knock!!!!
I jump out of my seat and race to the door, opening it to see an old grumpy man!! Not my favorite patient, he and his wife are always really rude.
He barks at me " Jane* will be in in just a minute for her appointment. Is he running behind, again?"
Silently I think of all the nice things I would love to bark back, "Sorry Sir your 20 minutes early, sit down and shut up!!!" Instead I nod my head and wave him in to the office.
"You know, Mr. Smith, we are a dental office, you don't need to knock before you come in." I try to give a little smile, hoping that he doesn't hear the sarcasm that has just crawled its way out of my mouth. For some reason I can't make my mind stop thinking mean insults to this man. After all, two wrongs do not make a right.....
As the time slowly drags on, I sit alone with Mr. Smith in the waiting area until his wife is done. As I rack my brain for things to talk to this man, the room continues to get even more awkward!!! As if the man is reading my mind he looks up from his ESPN magazine and glares at me. Great what did I do to him now? He clears his throat and scolds me, " So Crystal, I hear you were in a car wreck, no not an accident those are unpreventable. "
This man in unbelievable!! How can he be so rude? Fine, two can play that game! "Ya I got in a car accident 6 weeks ago. There was no way for me to prevent it." Silently I smile to myself, the shocked look on his face was priceless. okay, maybe not priceless, I may get in some trouble if he complains about me again to the doctor. I hate having to talk money with people, I always end up the bad guy.
Mr. Smith raises his fury brows in amusement and tilts his head to the side. At that moment I caught myself comparing him to my 5 year old Jack Russell Terrier. I could just picture him wiggling his butt from side to side in excitement. "You hit a deer doing 70mph, how was that not preventable?" Suddenly he isn't that cute image of my terrier anymore, rather than a school teacher who just caught me cheating on my homework.
Think fast, think fast! This man just makes me so mad! "Okay look Mr. Smith, I'm not going to lie to you. I was speeding and I shouldn't have been. I admit that. However I do no appreciate you judging me. That deer jumped from the embankment and I didn't even have time to let up off the gas pedal. No matter how fast I was going, the airbag would have hit me at the same speed, there for resulting in the same injuries."
The features on his face relaxed a little and he smiled at me. When he smiled he didn't seem to be so mean. He didn't look so old either. He couldn't have been much older than his mid forty's. I peeked at the computer screen to check his birthday, yup 47 years old. I had to admit, I liked this version of Mr. Smith.....Maybe he is bipolar? That would explain the polar opposite mood swings he has. He took a deep breath and was 100% serious, "You know, your lucky."
"No I'm not lucky, I don't believe in luck."
He looked at me confused and curious, "Oh, and why is that?"
I sighed, think Crystal, think! If I told him the truth I could lose my job for talking about "religion". On the other hand, I can't deny this weird butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach. "Mr. Smith, I'm not alive because of luck, I'm alive because of god. He wrapped his hands around me and kept me safe during that ACCIDENT. Without him I would be dead right now."
He seemed to be contemplating this for a moment before he finally responded, "How can you believe that? If there was a god why would he allow you to be in that car wreck in the first place?"
"We have complete control over our choices and I choose to speed. God knew I would, and he kept me safe. God isn't ever going to leave me to just fend for myself."
Taking a deep breath in Mr. Smith picked up his ESPN and sighed, "That's all crap you know." With a wave of his hand I knew he was done talking. For some reason though I felt closer to Mr.Smith...
How could I feel close to Mr.Smith? He was always mean to me, even now! Maybe he isn't mean, just lost, or confused. At least it doesn't feel awkward now. Maybe I will have to give him another try, he can't be that bad. He is married so someone must think he is nice. Just then the Jane walked out from the treatment room. "I'm going to use the restroom and then we can leave." She gave Mr.Smith a smile and headed towards the restroom.
Mr. Smith walked to door and turned to look at me, "Crystal, do you think god would help me, if I needed it?"
My breath caught in my throat and I could feel my stomach turn. Mr. Smith had the most heartbreaking look I have ever seen on a full grown man. It reminded me of the moment I had to tell my grandpa that grandma had taken a turn for the worst and we needed to say goodbye. Stumbling for the right words I reached for my purse and grab a book called Heaven, are you going? "As long as you've confessed your sins, believe Jesus died on the cross for our sins and ask god into your heart, he will never leave you." I walked over to him and handed him the book. He gave me the slightest smile and left the office.
Jane came up to the desk to make an appointment for Mr.Smith to get his yearly check up. "It is rather urgent, he will be under going chemo in a couple weeks and the Doctor said he needed a dental check up before."
Shock stunned me and I froze. Did I hear Jane right? Chemo? "Umm Jane, sorry if I'm intruding, but did you say chemo?"
Jane's eyes darted from me to the counter. I didn't notice before but she had heavy black bags under her eyes and she looked as though she was in need of a good night's rest. My chest hurt and felt as though someone had hit me. Why was she taking so long to answer? What was the matter with Mr.Smith?
"We just found out three weeks ago that he has cancer. Surgery is not an option, chemo is our only chance."
*Due to HIPAA laws names have been changed.
Knock Knock!!!!
I jump out of my seat and race to the door, opening it to see an old grumpy man!! Not my favorite patient, he and his wife are always really rude.
He barks at me " Jane* will be in in just a minute for her appointment. Is he running behind, again?"
Silently I think of all the nice things I would love to bark back, "Sorry Sir your 20 minutes early, sit down and shut up!!!" Instead I nod my head and wave him in to the office.
"You know, Mr. Smith, we are a dental office, you don't need to knock before you come in." I try to give a little smile, hoping that he doesn't hear the sarcasm that has just crawled its way out of my mouth. For some reason I can't make my mind stop thinking mean insults to this man. After all, two wrongs do not make a right.....
As the time slowly drags on, I sit alone with Mr. Smith in the waiting area until his wife is done. As I rack my brain for things to talk to this man, the room continues to get even more awkward!!! As if the man is reading my mind he looks up from his ESPN magazine and glares at me. Great what did I do to him now? He clears his throat and scolds me, " So Crystal, I hear you were in a car wreck, no not an accident those are unpreventable. "
This man in unbelievable!! How can he be so rude? Fine, two can play that game! "Ya I got in a car accident 6 weeks ago. There was no way for me to prevent it." Silently I smile to myself, the shocked look on his face was priceless. okay, maybe not priceless, I may get in some trouble if he complains about me again to the doctor. I hate having to talk money with people, I always end up the bad guy.
Mr. Smith raises his fury brows in amusement and tilts his head to the side. At that moment I caught myself comparing him to my 5 year old Jack Russell Terrier. I could just picture him wiggling his butt from side to side in excitement. "You hit a deer doing 70mph, how was that not preventable?" Suddenly he isn't that cute image of my terrier anymore, rather than a school teacher who just caught me cheating on my homework.
Think fast, think fast! This man just makes me so mad! "Okay look Mr. Smith, I'm not going to lie to you. I was speeding and I shouldn't have been. I admit that. However I do no appreciate you judging me. That deer jumped from the embankment and I didn't even have time to let up off the gas pedal. No matter how fast I was going, the airbag would have hit me at the same speed, there for resulting in the same injuries."
The features on his face relaxed a little and he smiled at me. When he smiled he didn't seem to be so mean. He didn't look so old either. He couldn't have been much older than his mid forty's. I peeked at the computer screen to check his birthday, yup 47 years old. I had to admit, I liked this version of Mr. Smith.....Maybe he is bipolar? That would explain the polar opposite mood swings he has. He took a deep breath and was 100% serious, "You know, your lucky."
"No I'm not lucky, I don't believe in luck."
He looked at me confused and curious, "Oh, and why is that?"
I sighed, think Crystal, think! If I told him the truth I could lose my job for talking about "religion". On the other hand, I can't deny this weird butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach. "Mr. Smith, I'm not alive because of luck, I'm alive because of god. He wrapped his hands around me and kept me safe during that ACCIDENT. Without him I would be dead right now."
He seemed to be contemplating this for a moment before he finally responded, "How can you believe that? If there was a god why would he allow you to be in that car wreck in the first place?"
"We have complete control over our choices and I choose to speed. God knew I would, and he kept me safe. God isn't ever going to leave me to just fend for myself."
Taking a deep breath in Mr. Smith picked up his ESPN and sighed, "That's all crap you know." With a wave of his hand I knew he was done talking. For some reason though I felt closer to Mr.Smith...
How could I feel close to Mr.Smith? He was always mean to me, even now! Maybe he isn't mean, just lost, or confused. At least it doesn't feel awkward now. Maybe I will have to give him another try, he can't be that bad. He is married so someone must think he is nice. Just then the Jane walked out from the treatment room. "I'm going to use the restroom and then we can leave." She gave Mr.Smith a smile and headed towards the restroom.
Mr. Smith walked to door and turned to look at me, "Crystal, do you think god would help me, if I needed it?"
My breath caught in my throat and I could feel my stomach turn. Mr. Smith had the most heartbreaking look I have ever seen on a full grown man. It reminded me of the moment I had to tell my grandpa that grandma had taken a turn for the worst and we needed to say goodbye. Stumbling for the right words I reached for my purse and grab a book called Heaven, are you going? "As long as you've confessed your sins, believe Jesus died on the cross for our sins and ask god into your heart, he will never leave you." I walked over to him and handed him the book. He gave me the slightest smile and left the office.
Jane came up to the desk to make an appointment for Mr.Smith to get his yearly check up. "It is rather urgent, he will be under going chemo in a couple weeks and the Doctor said he needed a dental check up before."
Shock stunned me and I froze. Did I hear Jane right? Chemo? "Umm Jane, sorry if I'm intruding, but did you say chemo?"
Jane's eyes darted from me to the counter. I didn't notice before but she had heavy black bags under her eyes and she looked as though she was in need of a good night's rest. My chest hurt and felt as though someone had hit me. Why was she taking so long to answer? What was the matter with Mr.Smith?
"We just found out three weeks ago that he has cancer. Surgery is not an option, chemo is our only chance."
*Due to HIPAA laws names have been changed.
Friday, August 27, 2010
I turn to you.....
Okay this is just a work in progress.... It started out as a poem.. Then I had the idea it would be pretty being sang to the guitar or the piano...So let me know what you think and ill continue to work on it..
I turn to you
You see, from time to time it rains..
Flooding us with confusion And 2nd guessing ourselves
Its seems to come one right after another
When it rains it pours.
Lord when will it stop?...(Pause)
(Chorus)
I turn to you
Raising my hands to u
Please help me to see your plan for me...
Lift this confusion from my eyes
Lord please give me the strength to make it through
Lord I turn to you
(Joshua 1:9)
Dear child I have promised you everything
Open your ears to hear my promise to you
"This is my command
Be strong and courageous!
Do not be afraid or discouraged
For the Lord your God
is with you
Wherever you go..."
(Chorus)
I turn to you
Raising my hands to u
Please help me to see your plan for me...
Lift this confusion from my eyes
Lord please give me the strength to make it through
Lord I turn to you
Oh precious child
You have such little faith in me
The dove does not store there food
For your father feeds them
Aren't you far more valuable than they?
Open your heart and listen to me
"Don't worry about tomorrow
For tomorrow will brings its own worries.
Todays trouble is enough for today.."
(Chorus)
I turn to you
Raising my hands to u
Please help me to see your plan for me...
Lift this confusion from my eyes
Lord please give me the strength to make it through
Lord I turn to you
I turn to you
Raising my hands to u
Please help me to see your plan for me...
Lift this confusion from my eyes
Lord please give me the strength to make it through
Lord I turn to you
I turn to you
You see, from time to time it rains..
Flooding us with confusion And 2nd guessing ourselves
Its seems to come one right after another
When it rains it pours.
Lord when will it stop?...(Pause)
(Chorus)
I turn to you
Raising my hands to u
Please help me to see your plan for me...
Lift this confusion from my eyes
Lord please give me the strength to make it through
Lord I turn to you
(Joshua 1:9)
Dear child I have promised you everything
Open your ears to hear my promise to you
"This is my command
Be strong and courageous!
Do not be afraid or discouraged
For the Lord your God
is with you
Wherever you go..."
(Chorus)
I turn to you
Raising my hands to u
Please help me to see your plan for me...
Lift this confusion from my eyes
Lord please give me the strength to make it through
Lord I turn to you
Oh precious child
You have such little faith in me
The dove does not store there food
For your father feeds them
Aren't you far more valuable than they?
Open your heart and listen to me
"Don't worry about tomorrow
For tomorrow will brings its own worries.
Todays trouble is enough for today.."
(Chorus)
I turn to you
Raising my hands to u
Please help me to see your plan for me...
Lift this confusion from my eyes
Lord please give me the strength to make it through
Lord I turn to you
I turn to you
Raising my hands to u
Please help me to see your plan for me...
Lift this confusion from my eyes
Lord please give me the strength to make it through
Lord I turn to you
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Part 2, Aftermath
Aftermath
Oh no! No no!!!!
My head spins
My mouth gets moist
My throat starts to close
The sweats dews on my face and neck
My stomach suddenly heaves upwards
Choking me with my last meal
I launch forward throwing myself over the toilet
Which lately seems to be my new best friend
My head spins wildly around in circles
Have I eaten something bad? Or gotten the flu?
Massive nausea, vomitting uncontrollably, swollen and bruised breast....
Could it be?
My mind races through the proof as I lurch myself over the toilet once more
No that can't be!
Denial, its a wonderful thing
You have to have.....
My racing mind halts to an abrupt stop
Oh my god!!
Our first time.....
Just then my stomach turns once more
This time from the realization that my "Aunt Flow" has not been to visit me since then
With the queasy feeling racing through my body, stretching itself clear to my fingers and toes I stumble as I push myself to my feet
I grab the only sure way to know the truth and rip it from its plastic
Violating it I now wait...
Tik tok, tik tok
As I stair at the stick waiting for my future
My hands begin to shake and my palms sweat
This little pea stick could change everything
My mind races to that one night
Our first and only night together
Then the evils of the world took him from me
My eyes burn from the grief
Just then I glance at the stick
My heart stops as I suck in a sharp painful breath
The one word steals my heart
And changes life as I know it
Pregnant
Crystal
July 4th 2010
Oh no! No no!!!!
My head spins
My mouth gets moist
My throat starts to close
The sweats dews on my face and neck
My stomach suddenly heaves upwards
Choking me with my last meal
I launch forward throwing myself over the toilet
Which lately seems to be my new best friend
My head spins wildly around in circles
Have I eaten something bad? Or gotten the flu?
Massive nausea, vomitting uncontrollably, swollen and bruised breast....
Could it be?
My mind races through the proof as I lurch myself over the toilet once more
No that can't be!
Denial, its a wonderful thing
You have to have.....
My racing mind halts to an abrupt stop
Oh my god!!
Our first time.....
Just then my stomach turns once more
This time from the realization that my "Aunt Flow" has not been to visit me since then
With the queasy feeling racing through my body, stretching itself clear to my fingers and toes I stumble as I push myself to my feet
I grab the only sure way to know the truth and rip it from its plastic
Violating it I now wait...
Tik tok, tik tok
As I stair at the stick waiting for my future
My hands begin to shake and my palms sweat
This little pea stick could change everything
My mind races to that one night
Our first and only night together
Then the evils of the world took him from me
My eyes burn from the grief
Just then I glance at the stick
My heart stops as I suck in a sharp painful breath
The one word steals my heart
And changes life as I know it
Pregnant
Crystal
July 4th 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Tattoo
My stomach turns in anticipation
My heart races furiously
I can feel the sweat dewing on the back of my neck from fear
My hands are trembling and my teeth are chattering together
"Are you ready?" And he motions towards the chair
My throat closes and I nod my head....
As I step towards the knife my feet get heavy and sluggish
Here we go
Just breath, just breath I tell myself. It will be okay
Just than a scolding hot knife makes the first slice in my wrist
My breath catches as I inhale suddenly and my eyes burn
With every slice I shake more uncontrollably
Just when I think I'm going to faint the heat is gone
I look down and it is beautiful
The knife of fire was worth it
"There all finished, wasn't so bad was it?"
Crystal
July 2nd 2010
My heart races furiously
I can feel the sweat dewing on the back of my neck from fear
My hands are trembling and my teeth are chattering together
"Are you ready?" And he motions towards the chair
My throat closes and I nod my head....
As I step towards the knife my feet get heavy and sluggish
Here we go
Just breath, just breath I tell myself. It will be okay
Just than a scolding hot knife makes the first slice in my wrist
My breath catches as I inhale suddenly and my eyes burn
With every slice I shake more uncontrollably
Just when I think I'm going to faint the heat is gone
I look down and it is beautiful
The knife of fire was worth it
"There all finished, wasn't so bad was it?"
Crystal
July 2nd 2010
Our first time
Our First Time
I inhale sharply and my heart races forward
The sweat dews on the back of my neck in anticipation
Fire traces along my skin following his touch
My hands pull forward, craving the feel of his skin underneath them
A low moan escapes my lips as his tongue slides across my neck
My whole body is electrically charged as his hand move over me
Twisting in impatience I pull him to me, demanding him, making us one.
Our bodies move together as a song and dance so perfectly in tune to each other.
A slow building gathers in my stomach and warms my body.
As our bodies are entwined, my hands seek his hair
Pulling him to my lips, to taste the sweetness of his him
Just then his lips crush against mine, demanding and furious, meeting the tempo of mine.
The building in my stomach takes over my whole my body...
The boiling fire spreads to my fingers and toes burning me alive
His hands grab my hips and pull me above him
Another moan of pleasure crawls its way out of lips
His hands search until they find the core of my burning
Moving together the fire and pressure inside my body sores to a high
A moan rips from his lips and pushes me over the edge
Hand digging into his, and toes curling as my own satisfying scream tears through my lips and drowns his out
A wave of pleasure rocks my body over and over
The cooling sensation of satisfaction races through my vains smootherring the fire
I sigh in contentment as he pulls me into him and holds me.
Crystal
July 2nd 2010
I inhale sharply and my heart races forward
The sweat dews on the back of my neck in anticipation
Fire traces along my skin following his touch
My hands pull forward, craving the feel of his skin underneath them
A low moan escapes my lips as his tongue slides across my neck
My whole body is electrically charged as his hand move over me
Twisting in impatience I pull him to me, demanding him, making us one.
Our bodies move together as a song and dance so perfectly in tune to each other.
A slow building gathers in my stomach and warms my body.
As our bodies are entwined, my hands seek his hair
Pulling him to my lips, to taste the sweetness of his him
Just then his lips crush against mine, demanding and furious, meeting the tempo of mine.
The building in my stomach takes over my whole my body...
The boiling fire spreads to my fingers and toes burning me alive
His hands grab my hips and pull me above him
Another moan of pleasure crawls its way out of lips
His hands search until they find the core of my burning
Moving together the fire and pressure inside my body sores to a high
A moan rips from his lips and pushes me over the edge
Hand digging into his, and toes curling as my own satisfying scream tears through my lips and drowns his out
A wave of pleasure rocks my body over and over
The cooling sensation of satisfaction races through my vains smootherring the fire
I sigh in contentment as he pulls me into him and holds me.
Crystal
July 2nd 2010
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