Skinny bitches round 2!
Woohoo Back at the gym!! Somehow after a few cups of coffee and sitting all day at the office I am totally amped to go back to the gym. Although I have no idea why, my legs are stiff and sore and my ass muscles or lack of, feels like there being torn every time I take a step. Hell yeah to paying good money for this and killings myself all over!!
After the nightmare of my last workout crawls its way back into existence and terrifies me, I manage to climb on the treadmill anyways, thinking “If these skinny bitches can do it, so can I!! I plug my headphones into my phone, pull up YouTube and search for the best chick music I can think of, Jessica Mauboy “Get Em’ Girls.” As the music pours out my energy levels sores to a high and I’m on a roll!!
12 minutes into my workout my muscles are warm and feeling great!! The tenderness from my last workout seems to be going away and this doesn’t seem as bad as last time. Maybe I was overreacting last time, this is amazing and I have missed the gym!! Turning up my music I kick up the workout a notch as well.
15minutes into my work out I’m out of breath and hating life, and once again cursing all the skinny bitches!! Somehow this is ridiculous torture to put yourself through!! Again the nasty sweat has dewed up making my clothes stick to me in a very uncomfortable and unflattering way! My mind chants, “damn skinny bitches, damn skinny bitches, damn skinny bitches!”
20 minutes into my work my mind continues to chant, “Damn skinny ungrateful bitches, damn skinny ungrateful bitches. . . “A flash of red draws my attention to the right of me, damn skinny ungrateful bitch probably here to show off. Listening to the treadmill next to me hit what seems to be full speed; I ignore it, not wanting to feel any worse than already do. It doesn’t help that all the TV shows, every movie and every internet site is exploiting underweight females and pushes their views of beautiful onto American woman. How are we supposed to feel good about ourselves when our rib cage isn’t on display? Ugh, the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach!! Now this skinny bitch in red has the nerve to come and show me up at the gym?!!
I kick up the incline as well as the speed on the treadmill and go full throttle! This skinny bitch will see what a curvy woman can do! I run with full force, pushing myself and silently cursing myself at the same time, “you dumb moron, just let her win, you know you’re going to regret this.” About that time my side cramps and it hurts to breath. I mentally chant loader hoping it will push me the last 2 minutes of my workout, “damn skinny ungrateful, spoiled, eating disorder causing bitches! “
FINALLY the treadmill goes into cool down mode! Hell yeah miss skinny bitch, that’s right, a fat kid just showed you up, didn’t she!! With my poor sportsmanship attitude leaking through my thoughts to the grin on my face, I turn to see what skinny bitch I had showed up. To my dismay the skinny bitch was still going in full force!! I had lost, how’s that possible!? It takes all of one second for my mind to register that I had lost, but a few more before it dawned on me to stop looking at her treadmill screen and actually look at the skinny bitch that had showed me up, fair and square. I turn bright red in realization that my own personal skinny bitch happened to be a old man, at least in his 80’s wearing bright red overall’s.
P.S Thank you skinny bitches for helping to push me forward, and coo do’s to the old man!! See you next time!
Love,
Crystal
Monday, March 7, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Skinny Bitches
Alright time to get back in shape!!! Woohoo!! Yeah right!!! After a year of school and work full time, while giving up your gym membership so you can get a full 4 hours of sleep a night, things change!! When I say things change, I mean things change!! If it's not my mentally sexy attitude that is now nonexistent, it's the physical changes too. Seems like my arms have become balloons, my abs, well let's say what abs??? Not to mention my ass!!! Holy wow do I miss the gym!!
So today was my first day back and I was so stocked!!!Jump on the elliptical and I can feel that sexy attitude coming back, that's right baby, Crystal is at the gym again and feeling pretty damn good! That is until 10 minutes into my workout, by then I was mentally cursing all the skinny bitches out there! You know the ones that eat anything they want and look stunning no matter what!!!
20 minutes into my workout my mental cursing got worse, it went from skinny bitch to skinny ungrateful bitch!!! Holy wow I have no idea how I missed this so much! This seems like torture!! Worse yet, I'm paying $44 a month and giving up an hour of my evening to be tortured, how is this fair?
By time 40minutes hit, I could feel the nasty sweat sticking to my body, in places I didn't even know could sweat!! My chest stung with ever gasp of air I breathed in! And once again my mental cursing became even worse, "skinny, ungrateful, spoiled bitch!"
Finally time up and I thought I was going to die!! Now that I can't breathe, I'm nasty sweaty, my makeup is running, (why the hell did I keep my makeup on when I came here?) And my mental cursing is at a peak, "skinny, ungreatful, spoiled, eating disorder causing bitches!!!!!!"
About an hour after my workout, my breathing became normal and didn't burn. I feel so tired and worn out, but despite all that I feel great!!!!
P.S thank you skinny bitches for motivating me throughout my hour!!! Talk to you tomorrow!!
Love,
Crystal!
So today was my first day back and I was so stocked!!!Jump on the elliptical and I can feel that sexy attitude coming back, that's right baby, Crystal is at the gym again and feeling pretty damn good! That is until 10 minutes into my workout, by then I was mentally cursing all the skinny bitches out there! You know the ones that eat anything they want and look stunning no matter what!!!
20 minutes into my workout my mental cursing got worse, it went from skinny bitch to skinny ungrateful bitch!!! Holy wow I have no idea how I missed this so much! This seems like torture!! Worse yet, I'm paying $44 a month and giving up an hour of my evening to be tortured, how is this fair?
By time 40minutes hit, I could feel the nasty sweat sticking to my body, in places I didn't even know could sweat!! My chest stung with ever gasp of air I breathed in! And once again my mental cursing became even worse, "skinny, ungrateful, spoiled bitch!"
Finally time up and I thought I was going to die!! Now that I can't breathe, I'm nasty sweaty, my makeup is running, (why the hell did I keep my makeup on when I came here?) And my mental cursing is at a peak, "skinny, ungreatful, spoiled, eating disorder causing bitches!!!!!!"
About an hour after my workout, my breathing became normal and didn't burn. I feel so tired and worn out, but despite all that I feel great!!!!
P.S thank you skinny bitches for motivating me throughout my hour!!! Talk to you tomorrow!!
Love,
Crystal!
Monday, November 22, 2010
1st Snow
Grandma,
Wow I cant believe its been 6months and 6 days since I had to say good bye and tell you how much I love you. Id like to say I know your in a good place, and I am doing great.
But I'm not. . . .
I have moments, moments likes these. Where I break down and feel like the emptiness is going to consume me. It's little things that trigger it. Today is the first snow fall without you. I still have so many "1st: to go throw without you. Somehow every time I have to go throw one of those 1st, it only gets harder.
I keep thinking I'm going to wake up from this awful nightmare, with you holding me, rocking me back and forth, running your fingers threw my hair and whispering soothing words in my ear. But I never wake up....
I miss you so much Grandma. . . .
Wow I cant believe its been 6months and 6 days since I had to say good bye and tell you how much I love you. Id like to say I know your in a good place, and I am doing great.
But I'm not. . . .
I have moments, moments likes these. Where I break down and feel like the emptiness is going to consume me. It's little things that trigger it. Today is the first snow fall without you. I still have so many "1st: to go throw without you. Somehow every time I have to go throw one of those 1st, it only gets harder.
I keep thinking I'm going to wake up from this awful nightmare, with you holding me, rocking me back and forth, running your fingers threw my hair and whispering soothing words in my ear. But I never wake up....
I miss you so much Grandma. . . .
Monday, October 18, 2010
I blink once. . . twice
trying to wash away the sandy feeling
Chest rising and falling ever so steady
I lay motionless
My eyes go black as the room begins to disappear
I slowly fad into my own little coma . . . . .
A heavy confusion washes over me
I spin in each direction
Trying to make since of time
I scan my surroundings, searching for some clue as to where I am
Brilliant colors dance across the sky
Colors of night and day intertwine
as if they can't make up their mind
A sweet smell tickles my nose and demands my attention
Freezing for a moment and trying to pin point the location of such a heavenly smell
I glance down
I am standing on a feather like bed of dew covered grass
Ever so perfectly red is scattered all around
My eye focuses in on the red, and it triggers some distant memory
As the object comes in focus I inhale a sudden breath oh surprise
My chest walls begin to collapse
I can feel my rib cage slowly compressing my lungs into nonexistence
I know these flowers
Red Carnations
Not done yet :) will finish soon!!
trying to wash away the sandy feeling
Chest rising and falling ever so steady
I lay motionless
My eyes go black as the room begins to disappear
I slowly fad into my own little coma . . . . .
A heavy confusion washes over me
I spin in each direction
Trying to make since of time
I scan my surroundings, searching for some clue as to where I am
Brilliant colors dance across the sky
Colors of night and day intertwine
as if they can't make up their mind
A sweet smell tickles my nose and demands my attention
Freezing for a moment and trying to pin point the location of such a heavenly smell
I glance down
I am standing on a feather like bed of dew covered grass
Ever so perfectly red is scattered all around
My eye focuses in on the red, and it triggers some distant memory
As the object comes in focus I inhale a sudden breath oh surprise
My chest walls begin to collapse
I can feel my rib cage slowly compressing my lungs into nonexistence
I know these flowers
Red Carnations
Not done yet :) will finish soon!!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Testimony
Have you ever had a moment where your "light bulb" just won’t come on no matter what you do? For example you just get in your car and are about to take off when your best friend looks at you with a stupefied look on her face and says "Crystal, do you have your car keys?" My mind races to the last place I seen my keys, oh yeah they're hanging up. I look back stupefied, "Yes I have my keys, they're hanging up?" She looks at me a little longer as if this is all supposed to make since to me. Then about 20 seconds later it hit me that I was sitting in my driver seat with the keys still in the house! Or I can remember a time I was busy making dinner for my grandparents. Without even thinking about it I put the milk away, normal right? Well I put the milk away in the cupboard. It wasn't until I was finished with dinner that my light bulb came on and I realized that the milk actually goes in the refrigerator.
Now I'm sure we have all had these moments at some point in time. But have you ever had one of these moments last for months? It's pretty bad when you walk around thinking your light bulb is stuck or even worse broken. How can my light bulb be broken, I like to think I kind of need my light bulb! It was like this whenever my aunt would ask me about my testimony my light bulb just wouldn't come on. Some people have testimonies, just not me. She disagreed of course and kept explaining to me what a testimony was and how everyone has one. But nope, still no light bulb going off. It wasn't until October of 2010 that my light bulb came on. Yes my light bulb certainly took its time didn't it?
My aunt and granny had taken me to the Woman of Faith retreat, where we heard so many inspirational speakers. Sitting in the audience with thousands of woman who shared the same love for god as I did was an overwhelming feeling. Two speakers specifically really touched my heart and I realized their experiences were so similar to mine, and that was their testimony. If that's their testimony, isn't that sort of mine as well, only a little different?
As a little girl I lived with my parents. I love my parents so very much, but they weren't always the best parents. Most of my childhood memories of them are of abuse and drugs. They were both heavy drug users, and fought uncontrollably. I can't even count how many times I remember running and hiding under the table crying, only to think one of them was going to die, or I could die. When they weren't fighting they would lock themselves in their room for hours, doing drugs. Countless times I remember crying and asking "If there is a god, why do my mom and dad want to do that, rather than spend time with me? Am I boring? Maybe if I didn't get in trouble so much they would want to spend time out here with me?"
After that mom and dad broke up, and I went to live with my dad. I was in the 3rd grade by this point. I ended up getting molested by a family friend, 7 different times. I went to live with my grandma and endured the worst year of my life. The court case dragged on and on, and I had to have to tell everyone what this man did to me.
By time I turned 14 I was with my dad for the summer. I was so lost and confused. I felt like I wasn't good enough for anyone to ever love, at least not enough. I ended up getting rapped that summer. He told me no one would ever love me. I felt as though god had not cared enough to be there for me. I fought with god and yelled at him, "God why did this happen? Did you send this guy to finish the job of the first one? Am I really that unlovable?"
Moving back to my grandma's house my aunt and uncle took me in under their wing and began to teach me about god. I still disagreed that god could love me as much as they said. I never spoke about it aloud. I always put on my smile and pushed through the day. Everyone thought I was perfectly happy girl, nothing was wrong. Inside though, I was so lost and confused. I couldn't understand why all this has happened to me. But the more I learned about god the more I began to love him.
I remember the day I asked god into my heart. It was in 2008, I remember thinking that if I have god in my life, he will make me lovable again, normal. From then on I fought with everything in me; I was not going to church!! I read my bible at home, and any time I had questions I asked my uncle for guidance. Everything seemed to be going great!!
It wasn't until the end of May that I finally turned to my bible for the first time. I have always read my bible, but never turned to for help. My grandma passed away May 16th 2010, she was mother, my world, my life, my everything. I have never known a pain so deep and so dark could exist. I sat in my room crying until my eyes were bloodshot and swollen. I just couldn't see a light through this; it was so dark and lonely now. All I wanted was my grandma, and it seemed no one truly understood what god had taken from me. So still weeping I pulled out my bible and prayed to god for wisdom, whatever he needs to say to me please be loud and clear for I couldn't hear well over my weeping. I lay my bible on my bed in front of me and randomly opened to a page. I came to Proverbs chapter 1. Randomly scanning the page a passage grabbed my eye within seconds of the bible being open.
Proverb 1:23
"Come and hear my counsel. I'll share my heart with you and make you wise."
I pondered that for a moment, then finally asked god, "Really? I don't want to!! I'm not like them god, I am a mess and will not fit in to their perfect world. I just can't, I can't."
I lay in bed and thought about it more and more, finally I sat up and told god, "Fine God, if this is what you want me to do then I'll do it. But just know I'm not doing this very happily. And it’s only going to make you look bad for sending a mess into the church."
I went that very Sunday, and I now understand what god was telling me, "Crystal, trust me." Things happen in our life for reasons we can't understand. I know God has a plan for me, and everything that happened to me was for a reason. I would never change a thing in my past, for my past has brought me close to god and taught me to trust him. Joshua 1:9 says "This is my command, be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discourage. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."
If god tells us not to be afraid, he will be never leave our side why wouldn't we trust him? God works through us in ways we can't even imagine. My life is in God’s hands, and he can continue to use me in any way he wants.
Now I'm sure we have all had these moments at some point in time. But have you ever had one of these moments last for months? It's pretty bad when you walk around thinking your light bulb is stuck or even worse broken. How can my light bulb be broken, I like to think I kind of need my light bulb! It was like this whenever my aunt would ask me about my testimony my light bulb just wouldn't come on. Some people have testimonies, just not me. She disagreed of course and kept explaining to me what a testimony was and how everyone has one. But nope, still no light bulb going off. It wasn't until October of 2010 that my light bulb came on. Yes my light bulb certainly took its time didn't it?
My aunt and granny had taken me to the Woman of Faith retreat, where we heard so many inspirational speakers. Sitting in the audience with thousands of woman who shared the same love for god as I did was an overwhelming feeling. Two speakers specifically really touched my heart and I realized their experiences were so similar to mine, and that was their testimony. If that's their testimony, isn't that sort of mine as well, only a little different?
As a little girl I lived with my parents. I love my parents so very much, but they weren't always the best parents. Most of my childhood memories of them are of abuse and drugs. They were both heavy drug users, and fought uncontrollably. I can't even count how many times I remember running and hiding under the table crying, only to think one of them was going to die, or I could die. When they weren't fighting they would lock themselves in their room for hours, doing drugs. Countless times I remember crying and asking "If there is a god, why do my mom and dad want to do that, rather than spend time with me? Am I boring? Maybe if I didn't get in trouble so much they would want to spend time out here with me?"
After that mom and dad broke up, and I went to live with my dad. I was in the 3rd grade by this point. I ended up getting molested by a family friend, 7 different times. I went to live with my grandma and endured the worst year of my life. The court case dragged on and on, and I had to have to tell everyone what this man did to me.
By time I turned 14 I was with my dad for the summer. I was so lost and confused. I felt like I wasn't good enough for anyone to ever love, at least not enough. I ended up getting rapped that summer. He told me no one would ever love me. I felt as though god had not cared enough to be there for me. I fought with god and yelled at him, "God why did this happen? Did you send this guy to finish the job of the first one? Am I really that unlovable?"
Moving back to my grandma's house my aunt and uncle took me in under their wing and began to teach me about god. I still disagreed that god could love me as much as they said. I never spoke about it aloud. I always put on my smile and pushed through the day. Everyone thought I was perfectly happy girl, nothing was wrong. Inside though, I was so lost and confused. I couldn't understand why all this has happened to me. But the more I learned about god the more I began to love him.
I remember the day I asked god into my heart. It was in 2008, I remember thinking that if I have god in my life, he will make me lovable again, normal. From then on I fought with everything in me; I was not going to church!! I read my bible at home, and any time I had questions I asked my uncle for guidance. Everything seemed to be going great!!
It wasn't until the end of May that I finally turned to my bible for the first time. I have always read my bible, but never turned to for help. My grandma passed away May 16th 2010, she was mother, my world, my life, my everything. I have never known a pain so deep and so dark could exist. I sat in my room crying until my eyes were bloodshot and swollen. I just couldn't see a light through this; it was so dark and lonely now. All I wanted was my grandma, and it seemed no one truly understood what god had taken from me. So still weeping I pulled out my bible and prayed to god for wisdom, whatever he needs to say to me please be loud and clear for I couldn't hear well over my weeping. I lay my bible on my bed in front of me and randomly opened to a page. I came to Proverbs chapter 1. Randomly scanning the page a passage grabbed my eye within seconds of the bible being open.
Proverb 1:23
"Come and hear my counsel. I'll share my heart with you and make you wise."
I pondered that for a moment, then finally asked god, "Really? I don't want to!! I'm not like them god, I am a mess and will not fit in to their perfect world. I just can't, I can't."
I lay in bed and thought about it more and more, finally I sat up and told god, "Fine God, if this is what you want me to do then I'll do it. But just know I'm not doing this very happily. And it’s only going to make you look bad for sending a mess into the church."
I went that very Sunday, and I now understand what god was telling me, "Crystal, trust me." Things happen in our life for reasons we can't understand. I know God has a plan for me, and everything that happened to me was for a reason. I would never change a thing in my past, for my past has brought me close to god and taught me to trust him. Joshua 1:9 says "This is my command, be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discourage. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."
If god tells us not to be afraid, he will be never leave our side why wouldn't we trust him? God works through us in ways we can't even imagine. My life is in God’s hands, and he can continue to use me in any way he wants.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Your own skin
Glancing in the mirror one more time
I tug at the hem of my skirt
fluff my hair a few times
And sigh in disappointment.
My eyes focus in on my dull dark brown hair
It seems to lay just below my collar bone
It use to race down to my waistline
That was before yet another desperate attempt
To fit in with the cliche of beautiful
That attempt had landed my pour hair in a dramatic A-line
Which was above my jaw bone
Not to mention the bright blonde highlights
Blonde, yet another stereotype of beautiful
My hair does not have perfect soft curls
Yet it doesn't fit into the sleek straight cliche either
My hair is curly and for a lack of better words,
Untamable and slightly frizzy.
Now the last time I checked
Untamable and frizzy
was the polar opposite of what our world calls "beauty"
Attempting to fit into that cliche
I spend an hour fighting with my hair
Determined to make it into something it's not
When I'm finally done, its still just ordinary
Another heavy sigh of disappointment excaps my lips
And my eyes move on
Now focusing on my face
Plastered all over the world and defined as beauty
Is a rich golden tan, blue eyes, and flawless skin.
I start to wonder if god ran out of beauty
And apparently I got the left overs.
Pale and flawed skin
I don't have defined cheekbones
Or high arched eyebrows
Instead I have a round somewhat chubby face
Some call it a baby face.
Which is only cute when your a toddler.
My lips are small and petite
My lower lip is fuller than the top
The top lip is very thin and has two peeks in the middle
Forming what almost looks like the top of a heart
Searching my face
My eyes find the one interesting feature I have
The bright green grabs and holds my attention
Slight brown emerges from the pupil
Leading its way into the green
that dominates the rest of my eye.
To bad my makeup never did my eyes any justice.
My lips curve and I'm smiling
Some may not define me as beautiful
Or anything close for that matter
I seem to be a complete opposite of that cliche
I have a beauty that radiates from inside me
making my "plane jane" look radiate as well
My beauty is an art of innocents and honesty.
With just the slightest touch of promiscuity
playing on my features
Giving another tug on the hem of my skirt
And one last fluff of my straighten hair
I feel completely comfortable
In my own skin
I tug at the hem of my skirt
fluff my hair a few times
And sigh in disappointment.
My eyes focus in on my dull dark brown hair
It seems to lay just below my collar bone
It use to race down to my waistline
That was before yet another desperate attempt
To fit in with the cliche of beautiful
That attempt had landed my pour hair in a dramatic A-line
Which was above my jaw bone
Not to mention the bright blonde highlights
Blonde, yet another stereotype of beautiful
My hair does not have perfect soft curls
Yet it doesn't fit into the sleek straight cliche either
My hair is curly and for a lack of better words,
Untamable and slightly frizzy.
Now the last time I checked
Untamable and frizzy
was the polar opposite of what our world calls "beauty"
Attempting to fit into that cliche
I spend an hour fighting with my hair
Determined to make it into something it's not
When I'm finally done, its still just ordinary
Another heavy sigh of disappointment excaps my lips
And my eyes move on
Now focusing on my face
Plastered all over the world and defined as beauty
Is a rich golden tan, blue eyes, and flawless skin.
I start to wonder if god ran out of beauty
And apparently I got the left overs.
Pale and flawed skin
I don't have defined cheekbones
Or high arched eyebrows
Instead I have a round somewhat chubby face
Some call it a baby face.
Which is only cute when your a toddler.
My lips are small and petite
My lower lip is fuller than the top
The top lip is very thin and has two peeks in the middle
Forming what almost looks like the top of a heart
Searching my face
My eyes find the one interesting feature I have
The bright green grabs and holds my attention
Slight brown emerges from the pupil
Leading its way into the green
that dominates the rest of my eye.
To bad my makeup never did my eyes any justice.
My lips curve and I'm smiling
Some may not define me as beautiful
Or anything close for that matter
I seem to be a complete opposite of that cliche
I have a beauty that radiates from inside me
making my "plane jane" look radiate as well
My beauty is an art of innocents and honesty.
With just the slightest touch of promiscuity
playing on my features
Giving another tug on the hem of my skirt
And one last fluff of my straighten hair
I feel completely comfortable
In my own skin
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Hello Junkies
Hello!!!
I just want to say thank you to everyone who reads my blog. Today is 09/23/2010 at around 1pm. I'm sitting here on lunch and I feel as though I am going to have a melt down!!
Silly me forgot to charge my phone last night, so it dead around 11am. And to make things worse our internet won’t open Facebook for some reason. I have never really noticed how addicted to my phone, texting, and Facebook I really am.
I guess I will just have to cut back, like any addiction you must first admit you have a problem. So listen up, I'm only going to say this once, Hi my name is Crystal, and I am addicted to Facebook, texting, and caffeine. I hope to become a recovering addict soon, until then I am still a junkie.
Well to all my Facebook, texting and caffeine junkies, I will check in with you later. Until then, happy addiction!!
Crystal :)
I just want to say thank you to everyone who reads my blog. Today is 09/23/2010 at around 1pm. I'm sitting here on lunch and I feel as though I am going to have a melt down!!
Silly me forgot to charge my phone last night, so it dead around 11am. And to make things worse our internet won’t open Facebook for some reason. I have never really noticed how addicted to my phone, texting, and Facebook I really am.
I guess I will just have to cut back, like any addiction you must first admit you have a problem. So listen up, I'm only going to say this once, Hi my name is Crystal, and I am addicted to Facebook, texting, and caffeine. I hope to become a recovering addict soon, until then I am still a junkie.
Well to all my Facebook, texting and caffeine junkies, I will check in with you later. Until then, happy addiction!!
Crystal :)
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Moments of emptiness
Doubling over in pain
I feel as though my chest is being pushed from the inside out
Every breath I manage to suck in
only makes the pain worse
Whispering to myself
"It's okay, it's okay, it will pass."
My hands start to tremble
I bite my lip
close my eyes as hard as possible
Rocking back and forth
The flood inside my chest
rocks violently as the waves slam into me
Forcing themselves out
They pour down my cheek
violent sobs escapes out from my lips
Time seems to stop as the storm takes place inside me
pouring out and making my eyes burn
Finally coming to an end
My head throbs its own little rhythm
As my throat screams in protest
The emptiness inside me feels as though it has been washed from me
Leaving me empty and numb
This feeling I welcome
No pain or grief
feelings of longing are as if they were never there in the first place
Thoughts about our last moments rush through my mind
Did she feel any pain?
Was she aware of what was going on?
even worse
was she scared?
Did she make it to heaven?
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Planting the seeding
Looks like it's going to be just another slow Tuesday. Our schedule has fallen apart, once again. For some reason, people hate coming to see the Dentist. I guess don't blame them though, if I could get out of it I would. To bad my appointments are whenever a patient doesn't show. My boss hasn't made it in yet, another 20 minutes until our patient get's here, wonder what I can do.....
Knock Knock!!!!
I jump out of my seat and race to the door, opening it to see an old grumpy man!! Not my favorite patient, he and his wife are always really rude.
He barks at me " Jane* will be in in just a minute for her appointment. Is he running behind, again?"
Silently I think of all the nice things I would love to bark back, "Sorry Sir your 20 minutes early, sit down and shut up!!!" Instead I nod my head and wave him in to the office.
"You know, Mr. Smith, we are a dental office, you don't need to knock before you come in." I try to give a little smile, hoping that he doesn't hear the sarcasm that has just crawled its way out of my mouth. For some reason I can't make my mind stop thinking mean insults to this man. After all, two wrongs do not make a right.....
As the time slowly drags on, I sit alone with Mr. Smith in the waiting area until his wife is done. As I rack my brain for things to talk to this man, the room continues to get even more awkward!!! As if the man is reading my mind he looks up from his ESPN magazine and glares at me. Great what did I do to him now? He clears his throat and scolds me, " So Crystal, I hear you were in a car wreck, no not an accident those are unpreventable. "
This man in unbelievable!! How can he be so rude? Fine, two can play that game! "Ya I got in a car accident 6 weeks ago. There was no way for me to prevent it." Silently I smile to myself, the shocked look on his face was priceless. okay, maybe not priceless, I may get in some trouble if he complains about me again to the doctor. I hate having to talk money with people, I always end up the bad guy.
Mr. Smith raises his fury brows in amusement and tilts his head to the side. At that moment I caught myself comparing him to my 5 year old Jack Russell Terrier. I could just picture him wiggling his butt from side to side in excitement. "You hit a deer doing 70mph, how was that not preventable?" Suddenly he isn't that cute image of my terrier anymore, rather than a school teacher who just caught me cheating on my homework.
Think fast, think fast! This man just makes me so mad! "Okay look Mr. Smith, I'm not going to lie to you. I was speeding and I shouldn't have been. I admit that. However I do no appreciate you judging me. That deer jumped from the embankment and I didn't even have time to let up off the gas pedal. No matter how fast I was going, the airbag would have hit me at the same speed, there for resulting in the same injuries."
The features on his face relaxed a little and he smiled at me. When he smiled he didn't seem to be so mean. He didn't look so old either. He couldn't have been much older than his mid forty's. I peeked at the computer screen to check his birthday, yup 47 years old. I had to admit, I liked this version of Mr. Smith.....Maybe he is bipolar? That would explain the polar opposite mood swings he has. He took a deep breath and was 100% serious, "You know, your lucky."
"No I'm not lucky, I don't believe in luck."
He looked at me confused and curious, "Oh, and why is that?"
I sighed, think Crystal, think! If I told him the truth I could lose my job for talking about "religion". On the other hand, I can't deny this weird butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach. "Mr. Smith, I'm not alive because of luck, I'm alive because of god. He wrapped his hands around me and kept me safe during that ACCIDENT. Without him I would be dead right now."
He seemed to be contemplating this for a moment before he finally responded, "How can you believe that? If there was a god why would he allow you to be in that car wreck in the first place?"
"We have complete control over our choices and I choose to speed. God knew I would, and he kept me safe. God isn't ever going to leave me to just fend for myself."
Taking a deep breath in Mr. Smith picked up his ESPN and sighed, "That's all crap you know." With a wave of his hand I knew he was done talking. For some reason though I felt closer to Mr.Smith...
How could I feel close to Mr.Smith? He was always mean to me, even now! Maybe he isn't mean, just lost, or confused. At least it doesn't feel awkward now. Maybe I will have to give him another try, he can't be that bad. He is married so someone must think he is nice. Just then the Jane walked out from the treatment room. "I'm going to use the restroom and then we can leave." She gave Mr.Smith a smile and headed towards the restroom.
Mr. Smith walked to door and turned to look at me, "Crystal, do you think god would help me, if I needed it?"
My breath caught in my throat and I could feel my stomach turn. Mr. Smith had the most heartbreaking look I have ever seen on a full grown man. It reminded me of the moment I had to tell my grandpa that grandma had taken a turn for the worst and we needed to say goodbye. Stumbling for the right words I reached for my purse and grab a book called Heaven, are you going? "As long as you've confessed your sins, believe Jesus died on the cross for our sins and ask god into your heart, he will never leave you." I walked over to him and handed him the book. He gave me the slightest smile and left the office.
Jane came up to the desk to make an appointment for Mr.Smith to get his yearly check up. "It is rather urgent, he will be under going chemo in a couple weeks and the Doctor said he needed a dental check up before."
Shock stunned me and I froze. Did I hear Jane right? Chemo? "Umm Jane, sorry if I'm intruding, but did you say chemo?"
Jane's eyes darted from me to the counter. I didn't notice before but she had heavy black bags under her eyes and she looked as though she was in need of a good night's rest. My chest hurt and felt as though someone had hit me. Why was she taking so long to answer? What was the matter with Mr.Smith?
"We just found out three weeks ago that he has cancer. Surgery is not an option, chemo is our only chance."
*Due to HIPAA laws names have been changed.
Knock Knock!!!!
I jump out of my seat and race to the door, opening it to see an old grumpy man!! Not my favorite patient, he and his wife are always really rude.
He barks at me " Jane* will be in in just a minute for her appointment. Is he running behind, again?"
Silently I think of all the nice things I would love to bark back, "Sorry Sir your 20 minutes early, sit down and shut up!!!" Instead I nod my head and wave him in to the office.
"You know, Mr. Smith, we are a dental office, you don't need to knock before you come in." I try to give a little smile, hoping that he doesn't hear the sarcasm that has just crawled its way out of my mouth. For some reason I can't make my mind stop thinking mean insults to this man. After all, two wrongs do not make a right.....
As the time slowly drags on, I sit alone with Mr. Smith in the waiting area until his wife is done. As I rack my brain for things to talk to this man, the room continues to get even more awkward!!! As if the man is reading my mind he looks up from his ESPN magazine and glares at me. Great what did I do to him now? He clears his throat and scolds me, " So Crystal, I hear you were in a car wreck, no not an accident those are unpreventable. "
This man in unbelievable!! How can he be so rude? Fine, two can play that game! "Ya I got in a car accident 6 weeks ago. There was no way for me to prevent it." Silently I smile to myself, the shocked look on his face was priceless. okay, maybe not priceless, I may get in some trouble if he complains about me again to the doctor. I hate having to talk money with people, I always end up the bad guy.
Mr. Smith raises his fury brows in amusement and tilts his head to the side. At that moment I caught myself comparing him to my 5 year old Jack Russell Terrier. I could just picture him wiggling his butt from side to side in excitement. "You hit a deer doing 70mph, how was that not preventable?" Suddenly he isn't that cute image of my terrier anymore, rather than a school teacher who just caught me cheating on my homework.
Think fast, think fast! This man just makes me so mad! "Okay look Mr. Smith, I'm not going to lie to you. I was speeding and I shouldn't have been. I admit that. However I do no appreciate you judging me. That deer jumped from the embankment and I didn't even have time to let up off the gas pedal. No matter how fast I was going, the airbag would have hit me at the same speed, there for resulting in the same injuries."
The features on his face relaxed a little and he smiled at me. When he smiled he didn't seem to be so mean. He didn't look so old either. He couldn't have been much older than his mid forty's. I peeked at the computer screen to check his birthday, yup 47 years old. I had to admit, I liked this version of Mr. Smith.....Maybe he is bipolar? That would explain the polar opposite mood swings he has. He took a deep breath and was 100% serious, "You know, your lucky."
"No I'm not lucky, I don't believe in luck."
He looked at me confused and curious, "Oh, and why is that?"
I sighed, think Crystal, think! If I told him the truth I could lose my job for talking about "religion". On the other hand, I can't deny this weird butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach. "Mr. Smith, I'm not alive because of luck, I'm alive because of god. He wrapped his hands around me and kept me safe during that ACCIDENT. Without him I would be dead right now."
He seemed to be contemplating this for a moment before he finally responded, "How can you believe that? If there was a god why would he allow you to be in that car wreck in the first place?"
"We have complete control over our choices and I choose to speed. God knew I would, and he kept me safe. God isn't ever going to leave me to just fend for myself."
Taking a deep breath in Mr. Smith picked up his ESPN and sighed, "That's all crap you know." With a wave of his hand I knew he was done talking. For some reason though I felt closer to Mr.Smith...
How could I feel close to Mr.Smith? He was always mean to me, even now! Maybe he isn't mean, just lost, or confused. At least it doesn't feel awkward now. Maybe I will have to give him another try, he can't be that bad. He is married so someone must think he is nice. Just then the Jane walked out from the treatment room. "I'm going to use the restroom and then we can leave." She gave Mr.Smith a smile and headed towards the restroom.
Mr. Smith walked to door and turned to look at me, "Crystal, do you think god would help me, if I needed it?"
My breath caught in my throat and I could feel my stomach turn. Mr. Smith had the most heartbreaking look I have ever seen on a full grown man. It reminded me of the moment I had to tell my grandpa that grandma had taken a turn for the worst and we needed to say goodbye. Stumbling for the right words I reached for my purse and grab a book called Heaven, are you going? "As long as you've confessed your sins, believe Jesus died on the cross for our sins and ask god into your heart, he will never leave you." I walked over to him and handed him the book. He gave me the slightest smile and left the office.
Jane came up to the desk to make an appointment for Mr.Smith to get his yearly check up. "It is rather urgent, he will be under going chemo in a couple weeks and the Doctor said he needed a dental check up before."
Shock stunned me and I froze. Did I hear Jane right? Chemo? "Umm Jane, sorry if I'm intruding, but did you say chemo?"
Jane's eyes darted from me to the counter. I didn't notice before but she had heavy black bags under her eyes and she looked as though she was in need of a good night's rest. My chest hurt and felt as though someone had hit me. Why was she taking so long to answer? What was the matter with Mr.Smith?
"We just found out three weeks ago that he has cancer. Surgery is not an option, chemo is our only chance."
*Due to HIPAA laws names have been changed.
Friday, August 27, 2010
I turn to you.....
Okay this is just a work in progress.... It started out as a poem.. Then I had the idea it would be pretty being sang to the guitar or the piano...So let me know what you think and ill continue to work on it..
I turn to you
You see, from time to time it rains..
Flooding us with confusion And 2nd guessing ourselves
Its seems to come one right after another
When it rains it pours.
Lord when will it stop?...(Pause)
(Chorus)
I turn to you
Raising my hands to u
Please help me to see your plan for me...
Lift this confusion from my eyes
Lord please give me the strength to make it through
Lord I turn to you
(Joshua 1:9)
Dear child I have promised you everything
Open your ears to hear my promise to you
"This is my command
Be strong and courageous!
Do not be afraid or discouraged
For the Lord your God
is with you
Wherever you go..."
(Chorus)
I turn to you
Raising my hands to u
Please help me to see your plan for me...
Lift this confusion from my eyes
Lord please give me the strength to make it through
Lord I turn to you
Oh precious child
You have such little faith in me
The dove does not store there food
For your father feeds them
Aren't you far more valuable than they?
Open your heart and listen to me
"Don't worry about tomorrow
For tomorrow will brings its own worries.
Todays trouble is enough for today.."
(Chorus)
I turn to you
Raising my hands to u
Please help me to see your plan for me...
Lift this confusion from my eyes
Lord please give me the strength to make it through
Lord I turn to you
I turn to you
Raising my hands to u
Please help me to see your plan for me...
Lift this confusion from my eyes
Lord please give me the strength to make it through
Lord I turn to you
I turn to you
You see, from time to time it rains..
Flooding us with confusion And 2nd guessing ourselves
Its seems to come one right after another
When it rains it pours.
Lord when will it stop?...(Pause)
(Chorus)
I turn to you
Raising my hands to u
Please help me to see your plan for me...
Lift this confusion from my eyes
Lord please give me the strength to make it through
Lord I turn to you
(Joshua 1:9)
Dear child I have promised you everything
Open your ears to hear my promise to you
"This is my command
Be strong and courageous!
Do not be afraid or discouraged
For the Lord your God
is with you
Wherever you go..."
(Chorus)
I turn to you
Raising my hands to u
Please help me to see your plan for me...
Lift this confusion from my eyes
Lord please give me the strength to make it through
Lord I turn to you
Oh precious child
You have such little faith in me
The dove does not store there food
For your father feeds them
Aren't you far more valuable than they?
Open your heart and listen to me
"Don't worry about tomorrow
For tomorrow will brings its own worries.
Todays trouble is enough for today.."
(Chorus)
I turn to you
Raising my hands to u
Please help me to see your plan for me...
Lift this confusion from my eyes
Lord please give me the strength to make it through
Lord I turn to you
I turn to you
Raising my hands to u
Please help me to see your plan for me...
Lift this confusion from my eyes
Lord please give me the strength to make it through
Lord I turn to you
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Part 2, Aftermath
Aftermath
Oh no! No no!!!!
My head spins
My mouth gets moist
My throat starts to close
The sweats dews on my face and neck
My stomach suddenly heaves upwards
Choking me with my last meal
I launch forward throwing myself over the toilet
Which lately seems to be my new best friend
My head spins wildly around in circles
Have I eaten something bad? Or gotten the flu?
Massive nausea, vomitting uncontrollably, swollen and bruised breast....
Could it be?
My mind races through the proof as I lurch myself over the toilet once more
No that can't be!
Denial, its a wonderful thing
You have to have.....
My racing mind halts to an abrupt stop
Oh my god!!
Our first time.....
Just then my stomach turns once more
This time from the realization that my "Aunt Flow" has not been to visit me since then
With the queasy feeling racing through my body, stretching itself clear to my fingers and toes I stumble as I push myself to my feet
I grab the only sure way to know the truth and rip it from its plastic
Violating it I now wait...
Tik tok, tik tok
As I stair at the stick waiting for my future
My hands begin to shake and my palms sweat
This little pea stick could change everything
My mind races to that one night
Our first and only night together
Then the evils of the world took him from me
My eyes burn from the grief
Just then I glance at the stick
My heart stops as I suck in a sharp painful breath
The one word steals my heart
And changes life as I know it
Pregnant
Crystal
July 4th 2010
Oh no! No no!!!!
My head spins
My mouth gets moist
My throat starts to close
The sweats dews on my face and neck
My stomach suddenly heaves upwards
Choking me with my last meal
I launch forward throwing myself over the toilet
Which lately seems to be my new best friend
My head spins wildly around in circles
Have I eaten something bad? Or gotten the flu?
Massive nausea, vomitting uncontrollably, swollen and bruised breast....
Could it be?
My mind races through the proof as I lurch myself over the toilet once more
No that can't be!
Denial, its a wonderful thing
You have to have.....
My racing mind halts to an abrupt stop
Oh my god!!
Our first time.....
Just then my stomach turns once more
This time from the realization that my "Aunt Flow" has not been to visit me since then
With the queasy feeling racing through my body, stretching itself clear to my fingers and toes I stumble as I push myself to my feet
I grab the only sure way to know the truth and rip it from its plastic
Violating it I now wait...
Tik tok, tik tok
As I stair at the stick waiting for my future
My hands begin to shake and my palms sweat
This little pea stick could change everything
My mind races to that one night
Our first and only night together
Then the evils of the world took him from me
My eyes burn from the grief
Just then I glance at the stick
My heart stops as I suck in a sharp painful breath
The one word steals my heart
And changes life as I know it
Pregnant
Crystal
July 4th 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Tattoo
My stomach turns in anticipation
My heart races furiously
I can feel the sweat dewing on the back of my neck from fear
My hands are trembling and my teeth are chattering together
"Are you ready?" And he motions towards the chair
My throat closes and I nod my head....
As I step towards the knife my feet get heavy and sluggish
Here we go
Just breath, just breath I tell myself. It will be okay
Just than a scolding hot knife makes the first slice in my wrist
My breath catches as I inhale suddenly and my eyes burn
With every slice I shake more uncontrollably
Just when I think I'm going to faint the heat is gone
I look down and it is beautiful
The knife of fire was worth it
"There all finished, wasn't so bad was it?"
Crystal
July 2nd 2010
My heart races furiously
I can feel the sweat dewing on the back of my neck from fear
My hands are trembling and my teeth are chattering together
"Are you ready?" And he motions towards the chair
My throat closes and I nod my head....
As I step towards the knife my feet get heavy and sluggish
Here we go
Just breath, just breath I tell myself. It will be okay
Just than a scolding hot knife makes the first slice in my wrist
My breath catches as I inhale suddenly and my eyes burn
With every slice I shake more uncontrollably
Just when I think I'm going to faint the heat is gone
I look down and it is beautiful
The knife of fire was worth it
"There all finished, wasn't so bad was it?"
Crystal
July 2nd 2010
Our first time
Our First Time
I inhale sharply and my heart races forward
The sweat dews on the back of my neck in anticipation
Fire traces along my skin following his touch
My hands pull forward, craving the feel of his skin underneath them
A low moan escapes my lips as his tongue slides across my neck
My whole body is electrically charged as his hand move over me
Twisting in impatience I pull him to me, demanding him, making us one.
Our bodies move together as a song and dance so perfectly in tune to each other.
A slow building gathers in my stomach and warms my body.
As our bodies are entwined, my hands seek his hair
Pulling him to my lips, to taste the sweetness of his him
Just then his lips crush against mine, demanding and furious, meeting the tempo of mine.
The building in my stomach takes over my whole my body...
The boiling fire spreads to my fingers and toes burning me alive
His hands grab my hips and pull me above him
Another moan of pleasure crawls its way out of lips
His hands search until they find the core of my burning
Moving together the fire and pressure inside my body sores to a high
A moan rips from his lips and pushes me over the edge
Hand digging into his, and toes curling as my own satisfying scream tears through my lips and drowns his out
A wave of pleasure rocks my body over and over
The cooling sensation of satisfaction races through my vains smootherring the fire
I sigh in contentment as he pulls me into him and holds me.
Crystal
July 2nd 2010
I inhale sharply and my heart races forward
The sweat dews on the back of my neck in anticipation
Fire traces along my skin following his touch
My hands pull forward, craving the feel of his skin underneath them
A low moan escapes my lips as his tongue slides across my neck
My whole body is electrically charged as his hand move over me
Twisting in impatience I pull him to me, demanding him, making us one.
Our bodies move together as a song and dance so perfectly in tune to each other.
A slow building gathers in my stomach and warms my body.
As our bodies are entwined, my hands seek his hair
Pulling him to my lips, to taste the sweetness of his him
Just then his lips crush against mine, demanding and furious, meeting the tempo of mine.
The building in my stomach takes over my whole my body...
The boiling fire spreads to my fingers and toes burning me alive
His hands grab my hips and pull me above him
Another moan of pleasure crawls its way out of lips
His hands search until they find the core of my burning
Moving together the fire and pressure inside my body sores to a high
A moan rips from his lips and pushes me over the edge
Hand digging into his, and toes curling as my own satisfying scream tears through my lips and drowns his out
A wave of pleasure rocks my body over and over
The cooling sensation of satisfaction races through my vains smootherring the fire
I sigh in contentment as he pulls me into him and holds me.
Crystal
July 2nd 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Dear Grandma
Dear Grandma,
Heaven has taken you so very far away from me
Sooner than expected, but for a reason
A reason only god knows, and understands
If you can see me, rest assured
From the outside you may see me acting out in grief,
But remember Grandma, you have raised a very smart young woman.
The things you see are only my way of processing the sadness I feel
On the inside I am still myself.
I cannot say this experience has not changed me, for it truly has.
I haven't known pain to this depth before. For this experience I will be a stronger woman, once I heel.
I haven't ever fully taken responsibility for my actions and acted as a adult. I always had you as my rock and my net.. To catch me whenever I fell.
I know your shaking your head as you read this and thinking I'm wrong about that
But its time I act as an adult, not saying that I haven't always acted very maturely.
Before you left I took life for granted. I always thought I didn't, but I never realized how suddenly life, whether that be your own or the life of someone very dear to you, could be stolen away from you.
From this experience I now understand how precious life truly is.
Also, before you left me, I never truly knew who my friends were...
I always knew people were my friends.. But not the degree that I have found some relationships to be. Now I have learned what it means to be a true friend and will continue to be that friend through out my life.
Grandma, you have taught me so many things. Without you I would not be, well me.... Everything about you defines who I have become.
I always looked up to you and will continue to. I know I still have a lot of growing to do and I hope as I continue to grow I will take on those traits that I admired in you so much.
You were the most patient person I knew. Don't get me wrong,you could be stubborn. But when it counted the most you were patient.
You believed in me like no one else did. Yes other people believed in me, but not the same way you did. You seen possibilities in me that no one else did. Because of that belief I have made it through school and am as far as I am.
I will continue to feel that belief you had in me, and do my best to push forward and keep challenging myself. I will do what you would want me to do, and be happy and never give up.
You taught me that when god closes one door he always opens another! And I should never dwell on the closed door, but seek the open door.
You also taught me to love with my whole heart! If I don't give my whole heart, how can I fully love with it? Sometimes your heart will get hurt, but you have to remember that your heart will heal and you have to try again. God wants us to seek out love, it is in our nature. So don't be afraid and run from it, but rather embrasse it.
You also always told me to never hid my feelings the way you did. If I felt like crying, than cry. You said it was a way of cleansing your soal....
You have taught me so many lessons in life.I will forever chairsh those lessons and pass them on.
You should know this grandma.You have seen me grow into the young woman I am, and were always so proud of me. Please do not worry about me, you have taught me everything I need to know. I promise I will do my best and make you proud of me in everything I do!
Rest well Grandma, I love you with all my heart!!
Crystal,
June 29th 2010
Heaven has taken you so very far away from me
Sooner than expected, but for a reason
A reason only god knows, and understands
If you can see me, rest assured
From the outside you may see me acting out in grief,
But remember Grandma, you have raised a very smart young woman.
The things you see are only my way of processing the sadness I feel
On the inside I am still myself.
I cannot say this experience has not changed me, for it truly has.
I haven't known pain to this depth before. For this experience I will be a stronger woman, once I heel.
I haven't ever fully taken responsibility for my actions and acted as a adult. I always had you as my rock and my net.. To catch me whenever I fell.
I know your shaking your head as you read this and thinking I'm wrong about that
But its time I act as an adult, not saying that I haven't always acted very maturely.
Before you left I took life for granted. I always thought I didn't, but I never realized how suddenly life, whether that be your own or the life of someone very dear to you, could be stolen away from you.
From this experience I now understand how precious life truly is.
Also, before you left me, I never truly knew who my friends were...
I always knew people were my friends.. But not the degree that I have found some relationships to be. Now I have learned what it means to be a true friend and will continue to be that friend through out my life.
Grandma, you have taught me so many things. Without you I would not be, well me.... Everything about you defines who I have become.
I always looked up to you and will continue to. I know I still have a lot of growing to do and I hope as I continue to grow I will take on those traits that I admired in you so much.
You were the most patient person I knew. Don't get me wrong,you could be stubborn. But when it counted the most you were patient.
You believed in me like no one else did. Yes other people believed in me, but not the same way you did. You seen possibilities in me that no one else did. Because of that belief I have made it through school and am as far as I am.
I will continue to feel that belief you had in me, and do my best to push forward and keep challenging myself. I will do what you would want me to do, and be happy and never give up.
You taught me that when god closes one door he always opens another! And I should never dwell on the closed door, but seek the open door.
You also taught me to love with my whole heart! If I don't give my whole heart, how can I fully love with it? Sometimes your heart will get hurt, but you have to remember that your heart will heal and you have to try again. God wants us to seek out love, it is in our nature. So don't be afraid and run from it, but rather embrasse it.
You also always told me to never hid my feelings the way you did. If I felt like crying, than cry. You said it was a way of cleansing your soal....
You have taught me so many lessons in life.I will forever chairsh those lessons and pass them on.
You should know this grandma.You have seen me grow into the young woman I am, and were always so proud of me. Please do not worry about me, you have taught me everything I need to know. I promise I will do my best and make you proud of me in everything I do!
Rest well Grandma, I love you with all my heart!!
Crystal,
June 29th 2010
Dear Grandma
Dear Grandma,
Heaven has taken you so very far away from me
Sooner than expected, but for a reason
A reason only god knows, and understands
If you can see me, rest assured
From the outside you may see me acting out in grief,
But remember Grandma, you have raised a very smart young woman.
The things you see are only my way of processing the sadness I feel
On the inside I am still myself.
I cannot say this experience has not changed me, for it truly has.
I haven't known pain to this depth before. For this experience I will be a stronger woman, once I heel.
I haven't ever fully taken responsibility for my actions and acted as a adult. I always had you as my rock and my net.. To catch me whenever I fell.
I know your shaking your head as you read this and thinking I'm wrong about that
But its time I act as an adult, not saying that I haven't always acted very maturely.
Before you left I took life for granted. I always thought I didn't, but I never realized how suddenly life, whether that be your own or the life of someone very dear to you, could be stolen away from you.
From this experience I now understand how precious life truly is.
Also, before you left me, I never truly knew who my friends were...
I always knew people were my friends.. But not the degree that I have found some relationships to be. Now I have learned what it means to be a true friend and will continue to be that friend through out my life.
Grandma, you have taught me so many things. Without you I would not be, well me.... Everything about you defines who I have become.
I always looked up to you and will continue to. I know I still have a lot of growing to do and I hope as I continue to grow I will take on those traits that I admired in you so much.
You were the most patient person I knew. Don't get me wrong,you could be stubborn. But when it counted the most you were patient.
You believed in me like no one else did. Yes other people believed in me, but not the same way you did. You seen possibilities in me that no one else did. Because of that belief I have made it through school and am as far as I am.
I will continue to feel that belief you had in me, and do my best to push forward and keep challenging myself. I will do what you would want me to do, and be happy and never give up.
You taught me that when god closes one door he always opens another! And I should never dwell on the closed door, but seek the open door.
You also taught me to love with my whole heart! If I don't give my whole heart, how can I fully love with it? Sometimes your heart will get hurt, but you have to remember that your heart will heal and you have to try again. God wants us to seek out love, it is in our nature. So don't be afraid and run from it, but rather embrasse it.
You also always told me to never hid my feelings the way you did. If I felt like crying, than cry. You said it was a way of cleansing your soal....
You have taught me so many lessons in life.I will forever chairsh those lessons and pass them on.
You should know this grandma.You have seen me grow into the young woman I am, and were always so proud of me. Please do not worry about me, you have taught me everything I need to know. I promise I will do my best and make you proud of me in everything I do!
Rest well Grandma, I love you with all my heart!!
Crystal,
June 29th 2010
Heaven has taken you so very far away from me
Sooner than expected, but for a reason
A reason only god knows, and understands
If you can see me, rest assured
From the outside you may see me acting out in grief,
But remember Grandma, you have raised a very smart young woman.
The things you see are only my way of processing the sadness I feel
On the inside I am still myself.
I cannot say this experience has not changed me, for it truly has.
I haven't known pain to this depth before. For this experience I will be a stronger woman, once I heel.
I haven't ever fully taken responsibility for my actions and acted as a adult. I always had you as my rock and my net.. To catch me whenever I fell.
I know your shaking your head as you read this and thinking I'm wrong about that
But its time I act as an adult, not saying that I haven't always acted very maturely.
Before you left I took life for granted. I always thought I didn't, but I never realized how suddenly life, whether that be your own or the life of someone very dear to you, could be stolen away from you.
From this experience I now understand how precious life truly is.
Also, before you left me, I never truly knew who my friends were...
I always knew people were my friends.. But not the degree that I have found some relationships to be. Now I have learned what it means to be a true friend and will continue to be that friend through out my life.
Grandma, you have taught me so many things. Without you I would not be, well me.... Everything about you defines who I have become.
I always looked up to you and will continue to. I know I still have a lot of growing to do and I hope as I continue to grow I will take on those traits that I admired in you so much.
You were the most patient person I knew. Don't get me wrong,you could be stubborn. But when it counted the most you were patient.
You believed in me like no one else did. Yes other people believed in me, but not the same way you did. You seen possibilities in me that no one else did. Because of that belief I have made it through school and am as far as I am.
I will continue to feel that belief you had in me, and do my best to push forward and keep challenging myself. I will do what you would want me to do, and be happy and never give up.
You taught me that when god closes one door he always opens another! And I should never dwell on the closed door, but seek the open door.
You also taught me to love with my whole heart! If I don't give my whole heart, how can I fully love with it? Sometimes your heart will get hurt, but you have to remember that your heart will heal and you have to try again. God wants us to seek out love, it is in our nature. So don't be afraid and run from it, but rather embrasse it.
You also always told me to never hid my feelings the way you did. If I felt like crying, than cry. You said it was a way of cleansing your soal....
You have taught me so many lessons in life.I will forever chairsh those lessons and pass them on.
You should know this grandma.You have seen me grow into the young woman I am, and were always so proud of me. Please do not worry about me, you have taught me everything I need to know. I promise I will do my best and make you proud of me in everything I do!
Rest well Grandma, I love you with all my heart!!
Crystal,
June 29th 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Life and Love
Life and love? Or Love and life?
Which ever it goes, you cannot have one without the other.
Life may feel like its always hovering near the end
But love always surfaces through the agony of life.
There's many different types of love
You have the slow building boil of love, that love tends to take us by surprise and move us deeply to the core
There is always the electrical charge that spread fire fast and feverishly through out us. This love is acute and undeniable
Then there's the love of a best friend. Someone who will hold you when you cannot stand. Someone who doesn't have to ask if something is wrong, they can just tell. This person is so in tune with you as you are of them, they can provide undiluted love.
Like love there are many different types if life...
You have life filled with joy and happiness.
Then at another moment your life is filled with disappointment and defeat
In the end though, you can not have one without the other.
The question still remains as to why?
This is a very good question, and stumps many.
However the answer stairs at us and laughs at out blindness.
In order to continue on and have the strength to push forward, we need faith.
Faith in the very simple since of knowing that there will always be better times.
When love hurts, life picks us up, and when life is bad love brings that warmth inside us.
Life & Love, Love & Life will forever be hand in hand
Crystal
June 25th 2010
Which ever it goes, you cannot have one without the other.
Life may feel like its always hovering near the end
But love always surfaces through the agony of life.
There's many different types of love
You have the slow building boil of love, that love tends to take us by surprise and move us deeply to the core
There is always the electrical charge that spread fire fast and feverishly through out us. This love is acute and undeniable
Then there's the love of a best friend. Someone who will hold you when you cannot stand. Someone who doesn't have to ask if something is wrong, they can just tell. This person is so in tune with you as you are of them, they can provide undiluted love.
Like love there are many different types if life...
You have life filled with joy and happiness.
Then at another moment your life is filled with disappointment and defeat
In the end though, you can not have one without the other.
The question still remains as to why?
This is a very good question, and stumps many.
However the answer stairs at us and laughs at out blindness.
In order to continue on and have the strength to push forward, we need faith.
Faith in the very simple since of knowing that there will always be better times.
When love hurts, life picks us up, and when life is bad love brings that warmth inside us.
Life & Love, Love & Life will forever be hand in hand
Crystal
June 25th 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Nightmare
Nightmare
The breath is sucked from my lungs
Ripping it wide open
Open and exposed, vulnerable to the darkness.
The inevitable lonely consumes me, and the raw edges of my exposed chest burn in pain.
My ears ring from a load screaming nose
My head spins as I try to locate this torturing sound
When, when will it come?
I pray for it now, begging for my re leaf, for total numbness to consume me.
My focus falters and the screaming stops..
My heart pounds so hard against my chest....
If it pounds any harder won't it fall out where my chest has already been ripped open?
But wait, the screaming is still gone? Just then it hits me, the screaming was me.
My eyes snap open, blinking through the river of salt flavored tears
Sweat sticks to my body and dampens my clothes...
My breath is fast and hard and barely chocking back the sobs that are trying to strangle me
Finally I am able to see, feel the comfort of my sheets shielding me
My breathing slowed and my lungs opened up.
Realizing it was just a dream.
Crystal
June 24th 2010
The breath is sucked from my lungs
Ripping it wide open
Open and exposed, vulnerable to the darkness.
The inevitable lonely consumes me, and the raw edges of my exposed chest burn in pain.
My ears ring from a load screaming nose
My head spins as I try to locate this torturing sound
When, when will it come?
I pray for it now, begging for my re leaf, for total numbness to consume me.
My focus falters and the screaming stops..
My heart pounds so hard against my chest....
If it pounds any harder won't it fall out where my chest has already been ripped open?
But wait, the screaming is still gone? Just then it hits me, the screaming was me.
My eyes snap open, blinking through the river of salt flavored tears
Sweat sticks to my body and dampens my clothes...
My breath is fast and hard and barely chocking back the sobs that are trying to strangle me
Finally I am able to see, feel the comfort of my sheets shielding me
My breathing slowed and my lungs opened up.
Realizing it was just a dream.
Crystal
June 24th 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Pulled in different directions
A friend of mine,(okay my best friend) once told me there were 5 stages to greif and sort of explained them to me.
1)Denial 2) Anger 3) Bargaining 4) Depression 5)Acceptance
These stages could happen and any order, well except acceptance must come last, and they could happen more than one a time. YEAH, that's right, you could feel anger and depression at the same time!!!
Here is what I do not understand, in my case when you have to lay someone you cared about very much, how do these "stages" all fit in?
Denial- okay I understand this one, while my grandma was in the hospital the 11 days, I truly denied that she was really as bad as she was. So this one is a given.
Anger- I don't understand how you can feel anger during a time of lose. I feel emptiness, lonely, sad, depressed, and even a physical pain from longing for her. How could I be mad? And who would I be mad at? There is no one in this case other than my grandma to be mad at. She didn't die from a car crash, murder, or some other preventable thing. She passed away from pneumonia and ARDS/COPD.
Ohhh. . . guess its starting to hit me now, I guess I could be mad at the doctor for not being able to do more for her. Or even god, for taking her away, away to a better place....
Okay, I lied I still do not see how you can direct that anger towards anyone. I'm not saying I haven't felt Anger, I have . . . but it wasn't directed at anyone/thing. What an odd feeling. . .
3)Bargaining- Really? The experts on grief say this stages most likely happens before the actual loss. Sure during a divorce I can see how the time leading up to that you bargain or make deals/ sacrifices to save the marriage. But how does that apply to someone you lose so suddenly?
4) Depression- This one is the one I find to be the most true, at least in my case. Everyone asks "how are you, how are you holding up?" If I tell them I feel like shit, I cry all the time. Or how about the times when I feel so empty that I feel numb? I can not tell them about the nightmares. . .I relive the last 3 hours of her life, only I'm the one who is going through it. .
Yes depression feel like the most trustiest stage in this whole process.
5) Acceptance- I can not say much on this stage, I have not reached this one yet. I do not know how long it will take for me to get there, nor can i even try to guess. I know this is the stage my grandma would want me in, I just don't know when it will happen for me. .
Now what if I was grieving for the loss of ....oh lets say I was going through a divorce. You always hold a part of that love for someone in your heart. If time has pasted and you feel fine, for the most part. Only having a moments weakness and missing them to the point of a physical ache, can you say your still in this stage? Or must you never miss that person again?
Overall grief is the horrific pain anyone will ever have to deal with. . . I guess I can't even say "deal" with. . . How do you deal with it? How do you grieve? Do you just let your emotions run wild? Do you stop living? Do you hid? Or do you try to go on with life like nothing happened? This whole process to me is so confusing!! I feel as though my emotions are being pulled in different directions, its awful!!
Crystal
June 23rd 2010
1)Denial 2) Anger 3) Bargaining 4) Depression 5)Acceptance
These stages could happen and any order, well except acceptance must come last, and they could happen more than one a time. YEAH, that's right, you could feel anger and depression at the same time!!!
Here is what I do not understand, in my case when you have to lay someone you cared about very much, how do these "stages" all fit in?
Denial- okay I understand this one, while my grandma was in the hospital the 11 days, I truly denied that she was really as bad as she was. So this one is a given.
Anger- I don't understand how you can feel anger during a time of lose. I feel emptiness, lonely, sad, depressed, and even a physical pain from longing for her. How could I be mad? And who would I be mad at? There is no one in this case other than my grandma to be mad at. She didn't die from a car crash, murder, or some other preventable thing. She passed away from pneumonia and ARDS/COPD.
Ohhh. . . guess its starting to hit me now, I guess I could be mad at the doctor for not being able to do more for her. Or even god, for taking her away, away to a better place....
Okay, I lied I still do not see how you can direct that anger towards anyone. I'm not saying I haven't felt Anger, I have . . . but it wasn't directed at anyone/thing. What an odd feeling. . .
3)Bargaining- Really? The experts on grief say this stages most likely happens before the actual loss. Sure during a divorce I can see how the time leading up to that you bargain or make deals/ sacrifices to save the marriage. But how does that apply to someone you lose so suddenly?
4) Depression- This one is the one I find to be the most true, at least in my case. Everyone asks "how are you, how are you holding up?" If I tell them I feel like shit, I cry all the time. Or how about the times when I feel so empty that I feel numb? I can not tell them about the nightmares. . .I relive the last 3 hours of her life, only I'm the one who is going through it. .
Yes depression feel like the most trustiest stage in this whole process.
5) Acceptance- I can not say much on this stage, I have not reached this one yet. I do not know how long it will take for me to get there, nor can i even try to guess. I know this is the stage my grandma would want me in, I just don't know when it will happen for me. .
Now what if I was grieving for the loss of ....oh lets say I was going through a divorce. You always hold a part of that love for someone in your heart. If time has pasted and you feel fine, for the most part. Only having a moments weakness and missing them to the point of a physical ache, can you say your still in this stage? Or must you never miss that person again?
Overall grief is the horrific pain anyone will ever have to deal with. . . I guess I can't even say "deal" with. . . How do you deal with it? How do you grieve? Do you just let your emotions run wild? Do you stop living? Do you hid? Or do you try to go on with life like nothing happened? This whole process to me is so confusing!! I feel as though my emotions are being pulled in different directions, its awful!!
Crystal
June 23rd 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
From Heaven
Many people have a MILLION different opinions about heaven. There are so many questions that no one can EVER answer.
*Is there really a heaven? What does it look like? Where is it? What about our bodies? Will we know each other still? Will it hurt to cross over? *
Most of the question about death and heaven are purely focused on the death portion and what we will feel. . . . . I have experienced that since grandma died, everyone try's to comfort me by saying "she is looking down on you, she is watching over you, she's is still with you...." I have had a lot of time to reflect on this and how it makes me feel. . . . .
I don't get the feeling that she is with me anymore at all. I will always have her memories, but she isn't with me. Nor do I truly believe that she "looks" down on us. I know this seems to give a lot of people comfort, but I just can not make myself believe that. I have never ever thought about this before grandma died, and its kind of a odd thing to think about. . .
But think about it. . . . . .
The world we live in is so utterly disgusting and corrupt!! Everywhere you look there is fear, pain, suffering, poverty, rap, murders, lies, adultery. . . . There is so much awful things in this world that it is over taking the good. You can't invite your new neighbor over for lunch anymore, you don't know if they are a murder or rapist.
We live in a world that is over taken by sin, it is truly hell on earth pretty much. Some may argue with me saying that there is happiness on earth. I feel that happiness is only the surface of what true happiness really is. How can you feel happy when so much bad is going on? Yes there are good things to. Those few good things in life is what keeps us moving forward and working hard.
HOWEVER, I believe our world is so awful so that when we pass and go to heaven, it can be absolutely PERFECT!! I mean perfect in the since that you do not understand pain or fear because it is not there. I feel like there can only be so much of something, so the universe has to balance itself out. So earth is awful so that our loved ones can finally be peaceful.
So I look at it this way, if grandma is in such a perfect place, why would she ever want to look down on us again? Imagine what she would see if she tried to look down on us. She wouldn't be able to get passed all the awfulness to see us. If you're in paradise why would you want to kill your buzz by looking at something so depressing?
I do get comfort by knowing that someday, I will see her again. For me this is an extended absence.
Crystal
June 13th, 2010
Many people have a MILLION different opinions about heaven. There are so many questions that no one can EVER answer.
*Is there really a heaven? What does it look like? Where is it? What about our bodies? Will we know each other still? Will it hurt to cross over? *
Most of the question about death and heaven are purely focused on the death portion and what we will feel. . . . . I have experienced that since grandma died, everyone try's to comfort me by saying "she is looking down on you, she is watching over you, she's is still with you...." I have had a lot of time to reflect on this and how it makes me feel. . . . .
I don't get the feeling that she is with me anymore at all. I will always have her memories, but she isn't with me. Nor do I truly believe that she "looks" down on us. I know this seems to give a lot of people comfort, but I just can not make myself believe that. I have never ever thought about this before grandma died, and its kind of a odd thing to think about. . .
But think about it. . . . . .
The world we live in is so utterly disgusting and corrupt!! Everywhere you look there is fear, pain, suffering, poverty, rap, murders, lies, adultery. . . . There is so much awful things in this world that it is over taking the good. You can't invite your new neighbor over for lunch anymore, you don't know if they are a murder or rapist.
We live in a world that is over taken by sin, it is truly hell on earth pretty much. Some may argue with me saying that there is happiness on earth. I feel that happiness is only the surface of what true happiness really is. How can you feel happy when so much bad is going on? Yes there are good things to. Those few good things in life is what keeps us moving forward and working hard.
HOWEVER, I believe our world is so awful so that when we pass and go to heaven, it can be absolutely PERFECT!! I mean perfect in the since that you do not understand pain or fear because it is not there. I feel like there can only be so much of something, so the universe has to balance itself out. So earth is awful so that our loved ones can finally be peaceful.
So I look at it this way, if grandma is in such a perfect place, why would she ever want to look down on us again? Imagine what she would see if she tried to look down on us. She wouldn't be able to get passed all the awfulness to see us. If you're in paradise why would you want to kill your buzz by looking at something so depressing?
I do get comfort by knowing that someday, I will see her again. For me this is an extended absence.
Crystal
June 13th, 2010
Grandma & Her Books
In reflection of today I have a little story I guess about grandma, well maybe not a "story" but a memory.
Today we had a BBQ down at my aunt and uncles. . . . Somehow we managed to get on the topic of grandma and her books. ..
Grandpa was eating chicken and decided to tell us about all the different times he has witnessed her "book experiences." When my grandma would read a book, she would literaly become the character. If there was something funny in the book, she would laugh until in tears!! And when we would try to ask her about it, she would take a deep breath and start to tell us about what happened in the book that was so funny, but she would only end up laughing even harder!!! Now because grandma was laughing so hard you couldn't help but bust up yourself!!
Then when a book was sad, she would cry and morn for the character. She was always so involved with her books.
We would buy the same book, and read it together and then stop and ask opinions about what was gonna happen next and what do you think so far? We did this with most of the Nicholas Sparks books.
Grandma loved romance novels, the dirtier they were the better she said LOL She was saucy!!
When my uncle took the books to goodwill that were my grandma's, we had a FULL truck load!! It was unbelievable. Most of those books she had read 3-4 times!! She really enjoyed it! I asked her why one day and she told me it allowed her to live many different experiences and lives. In a way I'm just like my grandma, I get VERY involved with the book just as she did. It's something that we had in common.
Crystal
June 13th, 2010
In reflection of today I have a little story I guess about grandma, well maybe not a "story" but a memory.
Today we had a BBQ down at my aunt and uncles. . . . Somehow we managed to get on the topic of grandma and her books. ..
Grandpa was eating chicken and decided to tell us about all the different times he has witnessed her "book experiences." When my grandma would read a book, she would literaly become the character. If there was something funny in the book, she would laugh until in tears!! And when we would try to ask her about it, she would take a deep breath and start to tell us about what happened in the book that was so funny, but she would only end up laughing even harder!!! Now because grandma was laughing so hard you couldn't help but bust up yourself!!
Then when a book was sad, she would cry and morn for the character. She was always so involved with her books.
We would buy the same book, and read it together and then stop and ask opinions about what was gonna happen next and what do you think so far? We did this with most of the Nicholas Sparks books.
Grandma loved romance novels, the dirtier they were the better she said LOL She was saucy!!
When my uncle took the books to goodwill that were my grandma's, we had a FULL truck load!! It was unbelievable. Most of those books she had read 3-4 times!! She really enjoyed it! I asked her why one day and she told me it allowed her to live many different experiences and lives. In a way I'm just like my grandma, I get VERY involved with the book just as she did. It's something that we had in common.
Crystal
June 13th, 2010
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