Pulled in different directions

A friend of mine,(okay my best friend) once told me there were 5 stages to greif and sort of explained them to me.

1)Denial 2) Anger 3) Bargaining 4) Depression 5)Acceptance

These stages could happen and any order, well except acceptance must come last, and they could happen more than one a time. YEAH, that's right, you could feel anger and depression at the same time!!!

Here is what I do not understand, in my case when you have to lay someone you cared about very much, how do these "stages" all fit in?

Denial- okay I understand this one, while my grandma was in the hospital the 11 days, I truly denied that she was really as bad as she was. So this one is a given.

Anger- I don't understand how you can feel anger during a time of lose. I feel emptiness, lonely, sad, depressed, and even a physical pain from longing for her. How could I be mad? And who would I be mad at? There is no one in this case other than my grandma to be mad at. She didn't die from a car crash, murder, or some other preventable thing. She passed away from pneumonia and ARDS/COPD.

Ohhh. . . guess its starting to hit me now, I guess I could be mad at the doctor for not being able to do more for her. Or even god, for taking her away, away to a better place....

Okay, I lied I still do not see how you can direct that anger towards anyone. I'm not saying I haven't felt Anger, I have . . . but it wasn't directed at anyone/thing. What an odd feeling. . .

3)Bargaining- Really? The experts on grief say this stages most likely happens before the actual loss. Sure during a divorce I can see how the time leading up to that you bargain or make deals/ sacrifices to save the marriage. But how does that apply to someone you lose so suddenly?

4) Depression- This one is the one I find to be the most true, at least in my case. Everyone asks "how are you, how are you holding up?" If I tell them I feel like shit, I cry all the time. Or how about the times when I feel so empty that I feel numb? I can not tell them about the nightmares. . .I relive the last 3 hours of her life, only I'm the one who is going through it. .

Yes depression feel like the most trustiest stage in this whole process.

5) Acceptance- I can not say much on this stage, I have not reached this one yet. I do not know how long it will take for me to get there, nor can i even try to guess. I know this is the stage my grandma would want me in, I just don't know when it will happen for me. .

Now what if I was grieving for the loss of ....oh lets say I was going through a divorce. You always hold a part of that love for someone in your heart. If time has pasted and you feel fine, for the most part. Only having a moments weakness and missing them to the point of a physical ache, can you say your still in this stage? Or must you never miss that person again?

Overall grief is the horrific pain anyone will ever have to deal with. . . I guess I can't even say "deal" with. . . How do you deal with it? How do you grieve? Do you just let your emotions run wild? Do you stop living? Do you hid? Or do you try to go on with life like nothing happened? This whole process to me is so confusing!! I feel as though my emotions are being pulled in different directions, its awful!!

Crystal
June 23rd 2010