Memorial Day 2010



May 31st 2010

Well to be honest it is about 12:30ish in the morning so I guess that makes this June 1st. Either way it doesn't matter much...

This morning I woke up to load gunshots going off at 8 am... I live across a cemetery and they were honoring the dead.. Before this specific memoral day, I never paid attention to it. I kind of thought it was for the fallen solders, I didn't know it was for anyone who has passed away.

So officially this is my first memorial day. I have decided this is the worst "holiday" ever!! This day should not be considered a holiday! It makes me sad to go and see how this is the one day a year that people go and visit their loved ones. Then they stack a whole pile of flowers wherever they fit to make up for not bringing them any other times of the year.

My grandma passed away on May 16, 2010. I promise, as long as I shall live, my grandma's grave site will never look that way! It makes me sick how people go on with life as if that person never died.

I don't know if my grieving right, I don't even know how to grieve, but going to the grave site and talking to my grandma helps a lot. I know she can't hear me, but it gives me comfort to talk to her and pray to god and ask for him to deliver the message. I don't blame her for not looking down on us, she is in a place where everything is perfect! Why would she want to look back down at this hell hole called Earth.

How do you grieve? Is is crying, being depressed, moving on with life...... how do you know when you can say "there I'm done grieving done." It just seems like a stupid concept to me. I have night terrors every night. Some night I have them more than others, 3-4 times a night. If it's a good night ill only have 1-2. It's a horrible thing to wake up completely covered in sweat, shaking and remembering the suffocating sound of gma dieing. When ever these night terrors happen, i cant get the image of her waking up on the ventilator, confused and scared. She would shake her head and kick her legs and cry! Tears would just fall down her cheek and there was nothing I could do to help her! By time I wake up I am sobbing and my chest hurts so bad, my throat feels as though it is closing, or maybe like something is stuck in it, either way my throat burns. Would you say that is grieving? Ya I really don't think so.