Your own skin

Glancing in the mirror one more time
I tug at the hem of my skirt
fluff my hair a few times
And sigh in disappointment.
My eyes focus in on my dull dark brown hair
It seems to lay just below my collar bone
It use to race down to my waistline
That was before yet another desperate attempt
To fit in with the cliche of beautiful
That attempt had landed my pour hair in a dramatic A-line
Which was above my jaw bone
Not to mention the bright blonde highlights
Blonde, yet another stereotype of beautiful
My hair does not have perfect soft curls
Yet it doesn't fit into the sleek straight cliche either
My hair is curly and for a lack of better words,
Untamable and slightly frizzy.
Now the last time I checked
Untamable and frizzy
was the polar opposite of what our world calls "beauty"
Attempting to fit into that cliche
I spend an hour fighting with my hair
Determined to make it into something it's not
When I'm finally done, its still just ordinary
Another heavy sigh of disappointment excaps my lips
And my eyes move on
Now focusing on my face
Plastered all over the world and defined as beauty
Is a rich golden tan, blue eyes, and flawless skin.
I start to wonder if god ran out of beauty
And apparently I got the left overs.
Pale and flawed skin
I don't have defined cheekbones
Or high arched eyebrows
Instead I have a round somewhat chubby face
Some call it a baby face.
Which is only cute when your a toddler.
My lips are small and petite
My lower lip is fuller than the top
The top lip is very thin and has two peeks in the middle
Forming what almost looks like the top of a heart
Searching my face
My eyes find the one interesting feature I have
The bright green grabs and holds my attention
Slight brown emerges from the pupil
Leading its way into the green
that dominates the rest of my eye.
To bad my makeup never did my eyes any justice.
My lips curve and I'm smiling
Some may not define me as beautiful
Or anything close for that matter
I seem to be a complete opposite of that cliche
I have a beauty that radiates from inside me
making my "plane jane" look radiate as well
My beauty is an art of innocents and honesty.
With just the slightest touch of promiscuity
playing on my features
Giving another tug on the hem of my skirt
And one last fluff of my straighten hair
I feel completely comfortable
In my own skin

Hello Junkies

Hello!!!

I just want to say thank you to everyone who reads my blog. Today is 09/23/2010 at around 1pm. I'm sitting here on lunch and I feel as though I am going to have a melt down!!
Silly me forgot to charge my phone last night, so it dead around 11am. And to make things worse our internet won’t open Facebook for some reason. I have never really noticed how addicted to my phone, texting, and Facebook I really am.
I guess I will just have to cut back, like any addiction you must first admit you have a problem. So listen up, I'm only going to say this once, Hi my name is Crystal, and I am addicted to Facebook, texting, and caffeine. I hope to become a recovering addict soon, until then I am still a junkie.
Well to all my Facebook, texting and caffeine junkies, I will check in with you later. Until then, happy addiction!!

Crystal :)

Moments of emptiness

Doubling over in pain
I feel as though my chest is being pushed from the inside out
Every breath I manage to suck in
only makes the pain worse
Whispering to myself
"It's okay, it's okay, it will pass."
My hands start to tremble
I bite my lip
close my eyes as hard as possible
Rocking back and forth
The flood inside my chest
rocks violently as the waves slam into me
Forcing themselves out
They pour down my cheek
violent sobs escapes out from my lips
Time seems to stop as the storm takes place inside me
pouring out and making my eyes burn
Finally coming to an end
My head throbs its own little rhythm
As my throat screams in protest
The emptiness inside me feels as though it has been washed from me
Leaving me empty and numb
This feeling I welcome
No pain or grief
feelings of longing are as if they were never there in the first place
Thoughts about our last moments rush through my mind
Did she feel any pain?
Was she aware of what was going on?
even worse
was she scared?
Did she make it to heaven?

Planting the seeding

Looks like it's going to be just another slow Tuesday. Our schedule has fallen apart, once again. For some reason, people hate coming to see the Dentist. I guess don't blame them though, if I could get out of it I would. To bad my appointments are whenever a patient doesn't show. My boss hasn't made it in yet, another 20 minutes until our patient get's here, wonder what I can do.....

Knock Knock!!!!

I jump out of my seat and race to the door, opening it to see an old grumpy man!! Not my favorite patient, he and his wife are always really rude.

He barks at me " Jane* will be in in just a minute for her appointment. Is he running behind, again?"

Silently I think of all the nice things I would love to bark back, "Sorry Sir your 20 minutes early, sit down and shut up!!!" Instead I nod my head and wave him in to the office.

"You know, Mr. Smith, we are a dental office, you don't need to knock before you come in." I try to give a little smile, hoping that he doesn't hear the sarcasm that has just crawled its way out of my mouth. For some reason I can't make my mind stop thinking mean insults to this man. After all, two wrongs do not make a right.....

As the time slowly drags on, I sit alone with Mr. Smith in the waiting area until his wife is done. As I rack my brain for things to talk to this man, the room continues to get even more awkward!!! As if the man is reading my mind he looks up from his ESPN magazine and glares at me. Great what did I do to him now? He clears his throat and scolds me, " So Crystal, I hear you were in a car wreck, no not an accident those are unpreventable. "

This man in unbelievable!! How can he be so rude? Fine, two can play that game! "Ya I got in a car accident 6 weeks ago. There was no way for me to prevent it." Silently I smile to myself, the shocked look on his face was priceless. okay, maybe not priceless, I may get in some trouble if he complains about me again to the doctor. I hate having to talk money with people, I always end up the bad guy.

Mr. Smith raises his fury brows in amusement and tilts his head to the side. At that moment I caught myself comparing him to my 5 year old Jack Russell Terrier. I could just picture him wiggling his butt from side to side in excitement. "You hit a deer doing 70mph, how was that not preventable?" Suddenly he isn't that cute image of my terrier anymore, rather than a school teacher who just caught me cheating on my homework.

Think fast, think fast! This man just makes me so mad! "Okay look Mr. Smith, I'm not going to lie to you. I was speeding and I shouldn't have been. I admit that. However I do no appreciate you judging me. That deer jumped from the embankment and I didn't even have time to let up off the gas pedal. No matter how fast I was going, the airbag would have hit me at the same speed, there for resulting in the same injuries."

The features on his face relaxed a little and he smiled at me. When he smiled he didn't seem to be so mean. He didn't look so old either. He couldn't have been much older than his mid forty's. I peeked at the computer screen to check his birthday, yup 47 years old. I had to admit, I liked this version of Mr. Smith.....Maybe he is bipolar? That would explain the polar opposite mood swings he has. He took a deep breath and was 100% serious, "You know, your lucky."

"No I'm not lucky, I don't believe in luck."

He looked at me confused and curious, "Oh, and why is that?"

I sighed, think Crystal, think! If I told him the truth I could lose my job for talking about "religion". On the other hand, I can't deny this weird butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach. "Mr. Smith, I'm not alive because of luck, I'm alive because of god. He wrapped his hands around me and kept me safe during that ACCIDENT. Without him I would be dead right now."

He seemed to be contemplating this for a moment before he finally responded, "How can you believe that? If there was a god why would he allow you to be in that car wreck in the first place?"

"We have complete control over our choices and I choose to speed. God knew I would, and he kept me safe. God isn't ever going to leave me to just fend for myself."

Taking a deep breath in Mr. Smith picked up his ESPN and sighed, "That's all crap you know." With a wave of his hand I knew he was done talking. For some reason though I felt closer to Mr.Smith...

How could I feel close to Mr.Smith? He was always mean to me, even now! Maybe he isn't mean, just lost, or confused. At least it doesn't feel awkward now. Maybe I will have to give him another try, he can't be that bad. He is married so someone must think he is nice. Just then the Jane walked out from the treatment room. "I'm going to use the restroom and then we can leave." She gave Mr.Smith a smile and headed towards the restroom.

Mr. Smith walked to door and turned to look at me, "Crystal, do you think god would help me, if I needed it?"

My breath caught in my throat and I could feel my stomach turn. Mr. Smith had the most heartbreaking look I have ever seen on a full grown man. It reminded me of the moment I had to tell my grandpa that grandma had taken a turn for the worst and we needed to say goodbye. Stumbling for the right words I reached for my purse and grab a book called Heaven, are you going? "As long as you've confessed your sins, believe Jesus died on the cross for our sins and ask god into your heart, he will never leave you." I walked over to him and handed him the book. He gave me the slightest smile and left the office.

Jane came up to the desk to make an appointment for Mr.Smith to get his yearly check up. "It is rather urgent, he will be under going chemo in a couple weeks and the Doctor said he needed a dental check up before."

Shock stunned me and I froze. Did I hear Jane right? Chemo? "Umm Jane, sorry if I'm intruding, but did you say chemo?"

Jane's eyes darted from me to the counter. I didn't notice before but she had heavy black bags under her eyes and she looked as though she was in need of a good night's rest. My chest hurt and felt as though someone had hit me. Why was she taking so long to answer? What was the matter with Mr.Smith?

"We just found out three weeks ago that he has cancer. Surgery is not an option, chemo is our only chance."



*Due to HIPAA laws names have been changed.