Testimony

Have you ever had a moment where your "light bulb" just won’t come on no matter what you do? For example you just get in your car and are about to take off when your best friend looks at you with a stupefied look on her face and says "Crystal, do you have your car keys?" My mind races to the last place I seen my keys, oh yeah they're hanging up. I look back stupefied, "Yes I have my keys, they're hanging up?" She looks at me a little longer as if this is all supposed to make since to me. Then about 20 seconds later it hit me that I was sitting in my driver seat with the keys still in the house! Or I can remember a time I was busy making dinner for my grandparents. Without even thinking about it I put the milk away, normal right? Well I put the milk away in the cupboard. It wasn't until I was finished with dinner that my light bulb came on and I realized that the milk actually goes in the refrigerator.


Now I'm sure we have all had these moments at some point in time. But have you ever had one of these moments last for months? It's pretty bad when you walk around thinking your light bulb is stuck or even worse broken. How can my light bulb be broken, I like to think I kind of need my light bulb! It was like this whenever my aunt would ask me about my testimony my light bulb just wouldn't come on. Some people have testimonies, just not me. She disagreed of course and kept explaining to me what a testimony was and how everyone has one. But nope, still no light bulb going off. It wasn't until October of 2010 that my light bulb came on. Yes my light bulb certainly took its time didn't it?

My aunt and granny had taken me to the Woman of Faith retreat, where we heard so many inspirational speakers. Sitting in the audience with thousands of woman who shared the same love for god as I did was an overwhelming feeling. Two speakers specifically really touched my heart and I realized their experiences were so similar to mine, and that was their testimony. If that's their testimony, isn't that sort of mine as well, only a little different?

As a little girl I lived with my parents. I love my parents so very much, but they weren't always the best parents. Most of my childhood memories of them are of abuse and drugs. They were both heavy drug users, and fought uncontrollably. I can't even count how many times I remember running and hiding under the table crying, only to think one of them was going to die, or I could die. When they weren't fighting they would lock themselves in their room for hours, doing drugs. Countless times I remember crying and asking "If there is a god, why do my mom and dad want to do that, rather than spend time with me? Am I boring? Maybe if I didn't get in trouble so much they would want to spend time out here with me?"

After that mom and dad broke up, and I went to live with my dad. I was in the 3rd grade by this point. I ended up getting molested by a family friend, 7 different times. I went to live with my grandma and endured the worst year of my life. The court case dragged on and on, and I had to have to tell everyone what this man did to me.

By time I turned 14 I was with my dad for the summer. I was so lost and confused. I felt like I wasn't good enough for anyone to ever love, at least not enough. I ended up getting rapped that summer. He told me no one would ever love me. I felt as though god had not cared enough to be there for me. I fought with god and yelled at him, "God why did this happen? Did you send this guy to finish the job of the first one? Am I really that unlovable?"

Moving back to my grandma's house my aunt and uncle took me in under their wing and began to teach me about god. I still disagreed that god could love me as much as they said. I never spoke about it aloud. I always put on my smile and pushed through the day. Everyone thought I was perfectly happy girl, nothing was wrong. Inside though, I was so lost and confused. I couldn't understand why all this has happened to me. But the more I learned about god the more I began to love him.

I remember the day I asked god into my heart. It was in 2008, I remember thinking that if I have god in my life, he will make me lovable again, normal. From then on I fought with everything in me; I was not going to church!! I read my bible at home, and any time I had questions I asked my uncle for guidance. Everything seemed to be going great!!

It wasn't until the end of May that I finally turned to my bible for the first time. I have always read my bible, but never turned to for help. My grandma passed away May 16th 2010, she was mother, my world, my life, my everything. I have never known a pain so deep and so dark could exist. I sat in my room crying until my eyes were bloodshot and swollen. I just couldn't see a light through this; it was so dark and lonely now. All I wanted was my grandma, and it seemed no one truly understood what god had taken from me. So still weeping I pulled out my bible and prayed to god for wisdom, whatever he needs to say to me please be loud and clear for I couldn't hear well over my weeping. I lay my bible on my bed in front of me and randomly opened to a page. I came to Proverbs chapter 1. Randomly scanning the page a passage grabbed my eye within seconds of the bible being open.

Proverb 1:23
"Come and hear my counsel. I'll share my heart with you and make you wise."

I pondered that for a moment, then finally asked god, "Really? I don't want to!! I'm not like them god, I am a mess and will not fit in to their perfect world. I just can't, I can't."

I lay in bed and thought about it more and more, finally I sat up and told god, "Fine God, if this is what you want me to do then I'll do it. But just know I'm not doing this very happily. And it’s only going to make you look bad for sending a mess into the church."

I went that very Sunday, and I now understand what god was telling me, "Crystal, trust me." Things happen in our life for reasons we can't understand. I know God has a plan for me, and everything that happened to me was for a reason. I would never change a thing in my past, for my past has brought me close to god and taught me to trust him. Joshua 1:9 says "This is my command, be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discourage. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

If god tells us not to be afraid, he will be never leave our side why wouldn't we trust him? God works through us in ways we can't even imagine. My life is in God’s hands, and he can continue to use me in any way he wants.